I experienced something similar in EMDR. It was really eye opening and life changing to realize me as a child was still very much alive and well in the recesses of my mind. And that not only can I talk to her, that's it's really important that I do.
I love the "present, attentive mother" who showed up. She is there for us too, for those whose real life mothers could not be, for whatever reason.
Thank you for sharing this, Allison. Wishing you many moments of peace.
I highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind. You will clear the gunk out of your system much faster than years of talk therapy. Your brain is a muscle and stores trauma memories so that you'll never experience that again. That's why certain situations, people, etc. can make you feel awful - you are literally reliving your trauma.
You need a good practitioner, they are not all the same. Just like talk therapy, you might have to go through a few to find the right one. Took me 3 tries. She was worth her weight in gold.
It helped me release things I didn't even know I was carrying around. And I can't begin to tell you how life changing it was to see, hear, feel my 5 year old self who desperately needed me to come back and help her out.
Thank you so much. You explained EMDR in a way that makes sense to me. I think it is the next step in my healing journey. I'm still getting triggered too much.
Gina-Marie, I agree with rachelb. I haven’t commented lately on how my EMDR sessions are going, I can only say right now that it is changing me. I feel a release I’ve never felt with anything else.
I connected with my inner child over and over two years ago while practicing tapping to feel safe. I would see my toddler self in the lap of my current self, and Jesus was sitting next to us. I felt safe for the first time. Flash forward two years, and I'm working with my doctor to find the right combo of medication for depression and anxiety. I think those encounters opened me up to taking medication.
When it comes to getting "shit done," do you find that you feel a need to be "productive?" I wrote 800 words while trimming a draft by 300 today and finished a novel, and I feel like I've been layabout. I am the most productive ADD stoner, maybe in the world, according to my ex, and I still don't feel like I do enough "valuable" things.
I’m trying to rid myself of that “productive” need and let myself flow for a little bit. I can’t do it forever, but this summer I’m trying to take it more slowly because I have quite a few things to juggle! Can’t do it all.
I've learned relentlessly driving forward isn't conducive to producing good writing. The work has to sit for a while, so I can see things that need to be fixed. I just opened a draft I shot off a few months ago, and, wow, it was not ready -- it had issues like using the same adjective twice in three sentences, some really basic problems. It didn't start at the right place. I tend to fall a little too in love with my own verbal fireworks, and, while they are impressive, they don't always serve the story. Slowing down, giving things time to cool off, allows me to come back with the detachment I need to make these judgments calls. (But man, is there ever some eye-popping stuff laying around on my cutting room floor!)
Great question from Erinn. Very interesting metaphysical (out of body) answer with great Spiritual significance by Allison. However, the most telling quote is, "the version of me that’s the one I’m most ashamed of (the critical, perfectionist, get shit done one).
First, never be ashamed of your critical, perfectionist, get shit done self. Constructive criticism, including honest self-criticism is a great way to learn. If nobody ever honestly criticizes you, you may never learn your weaknesses, or get an opportunity to correct them.
Everyone should seek perfection, even though it can never be achieved. We are created perfectly, imperfect for a reason. If we were perfect, we would never have an opportunity to grow and improve ourselves. Also, a perfectionist is very irritating to many apathetic people who just don't care to be the best they can be.
"Get shit done" is actually a positive in a world filled with negative "don't give a shit to do anything right" people. Your perceived "weaknesses" may actually be your God-given strengths, dear Allison. Please think about it. Be healthy, happy, successful, blessed, loved and safe always, child of God. - MRVERITAS.SUBSTACK.COM
Thank you for your recognition and kind words. Grateful for your response.
I believe you are on point when you say “never be ashamed”. Shame is a vital wound to the collective psyche of humanity. I deeply appreciate you for shining a light on it.
What I have discovered during my healing journey is that when I can recognize my own imperfections and faults and means and ways with which I fuel my own detriments, and then subsequently take conscious action to mitigate and ameliorate those detrimental actions, then I have more vital life force energy to heal not only my own psychic wounding, but also the wounding others suffer.
I dunno.
Alls I truly know, is I wish you and yours well Brother.
I love all of you. My most recent and powerful experience has been with a psilocybin, assisted therapist working through my childhood traumas. I’ve been able to take care of myself like I never had before and like I never knew I needed to when I was a child. I highly support this type of work. I live in Colorado. And am glad to share anything you need to explore this type of work.
Thank you so much for this gracious and generous response. Brought tears to my eyes. It lifts my heart knowing you are on a healing path and bringing your wounded child-self safely into the light and into the loving hands of the "present, attentive mother". I admire your courage to share such a deeply personal spiritual experience publicly. (That takes way more than "balls" darling, that takes 'The Clit'! Grateful for you.)
Sharing a poem I wrote a couple years back that, for me, is very fitting for this response. I hope you enjoy it ...
HANDS
I have held your hand.
I yearn to hold it again.
To walk beside you,
To look into your eyes,
To cry, to laugh, to Love.
Now you are my hand ...
Your Spirit courses
through my veins.
Channeling art through
the tips of my fingers.
Holding tight to
Creativity's sacred reins.
💜
P.S. I had a Raggedy Anne doll just like that! Precious.
Thank you, Erinn. I LOVE that you asked me this question. I am so interested in every means to recovery and actual thriving! I look forward to more of these conversations. Thanks again.
I saw this yesterday and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. What an amazing experience, and thank you for sharing it. I have to say, whenever I see that picture of sweet little you, it makes my heart absolutely SQUEEZE. I'm so glad you got to see her, and save her and your momma. I hope it has brought you some healing and peace. x
I’m in Colorado and had never heard of Reiki until moving here. Your story makes me want to try it. Thank you for such a beautiful description of the experience.
I appreciate your kind and cogent comments. I admire your use of language. I examine my conscience every morning. There is much room for improvement toward making me a better man, especially now that my precious wife of 56 years died of insidious, painful cancer two years ago. I don't have my "baby-girl," my love, my muse and my best friend to help save me from myself. Sometimes a man needs a good woman to help him through his dark days.
Often, we imperfect beings need an honest evaluation and constructive criticism. However, harsh complaints from uncaring critics who only try to steal our self-esteem, may lead to self-hate, which is very destructive.
You mentioned psychic wounding. It reminds me of this poem I just wrote for you:
"The cliche is:
"Time heals all wounds.
That might be true.
But the scars remain."
Peace and love to you, my sister. Do all with love.
Damn.
I experienced something similar in EMDR. It was really eye opening and life changing to realize me as a child was still very much alive and well in the recesses of my mind. And that not only can I talk to her, that's it's really important that I do.
I love the "present, attentive mother" who showed up. She is there for us too, for those whose real life mothers could not be, for whatever reason.
Thank you for sharing this, Allison. Wishing you many moments of peace.
I'm thinking EMDR might be good for me. Has it helped you feel safer and calmer?
I highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind. You will clear the gunk out of your system much faster than years of talk therapy. Your brain is a muscle and stores trauma memories so that you'll never experience that again. That's why certain situations, people, etc. can make you feel awful - you are literally reliving your trauma.
You need a good practitioner, they are not all the same. Just like talk therapy, you might have to go through a few to find the right one. Took me 3 tries. She was worth her weight in gold.
It helped me release things I didn't even know I was carrying around. And I can't begin to tell you how life changing it was to see, hear, feel my 5 year old self who desperately needed me to come back and help her out.
I hope it helps you!
Thank you so much. You explained EMDR in a way that makes sense to me. I think it is the next step in my healing journey. I'm still getting triggered too much.
Gina-Marie, I agree with rachelb. I haven’t commented lately on how my EMDR sessions are going, I can only say right now that it is changing me. I feel a release I’ve never felt with anything else.
That is wonderful! I am definitely trying EMDR. Nothing else has stopped the triggers. Talk therapy does not help.
I connected with my inner child over and over two years ago while practicing tapping to feel safe. I would see my toddler self in the lap of my current self, and Jesus was sitting next to us. I felt safe for the first time. Flash forward two years, and I'm working with my doctor to find the right combo of medication for depression and anxiety. I think those encounters opened me up to taking medication.
When it comes to getting "shit done," do you find that you feel a need to be "productive?" I wrote 800 words while trimming a draft by 300 today and finished a novel, and I feel like I've been layabout. I am the most productive ADD stoner, maybe in the world, according to my ex, and I still don't feel like I do enough "valuable" things.
I’m trying to rid myself of that “productive” need and let myself flow for a little bit. I can’t do it forever, but this summer I’m trying to take it more slowly because I have quite a few things to juggle! Can’t do it all.
I've learned relentlessly driving forward isn't conducive to producing good writing. The work has to sit for a while, so I can see things that need to be fixed. I just opened a draft I shot off a few months ago, and, wow, it was not ready -- it had issues like using the same adjective twice in three sentences, some really basic problems. It didn't start at the right place. I tend to fall a little too in love with my own verbal fireworks, and, while they are impressive, they don't always serve the story. Slowing down, giving things time to cool off, allows me to come back with the detachment I need to make these judgments calls. (But man, is there ever some eye-popping stuff laying around on my cutting room floor!)
What a beautiful experience, Allison! Yes, it was real. And yes, what you saw within your third eye is real. What a blessing! Thanks for sharing!
Your experience reminds me of EMDR therapy.
I haven’t had the same kind of experience with EMDR, but I do think everything informs everything else.
Great question from Erinn. Very interesting metaphysical (out of body) answer with great Spiritual significance by Allison. However, the most telling quote is, "the version of me that’s the one I’m most ashamed of (the critical, perfectionist, get shit done one).
First, never be ashamed of your critical, perfectionist, get shit done self. Constructive criticism, including honest self-criticism is a great way to learn. If nobody ever honestly criticizes you, you may never learn your weaknesses, or get an opportunity to correct them.
Everyone should seek perfection, even though it can never be achieved. We are created perfectly, imperfect for a reason. If we were perfect, we would never have an opportunity to grow and improve ourselves. Also, a perfectionist is very irritating to many apathetic people who just don't care to be the best they can be.
"Get shit done" is actually a positive in a world filled with negative "don't give a shit to do anything right" people. Your perceived "weaknesses" may actually be your God-given strengths, dear Allison. Please think about it. Be healthy, happy, successful, blessed, loved and safe always, child of God. - MRVERITAS.SUBSTACK.COM
Mr. V
Thank you for your recognition and kind words. Grateful for your response.
I believe you are on point when you say “never be ashamed”. Shame is a vital wound to the collective psyche of humanity. I deeply appreciate you for shining a light on it.
What I have discovered during my healing journey is that when I can recognize my own imperfections and faults and means and ways with which I fuel my own detriments, and then subsequently take conscious action to mitigate and ameliorate those detrimental actions, then I have more vital life force energy to heal not only my own psychic wounding, but also the wounding others suffer.
I dunno.
Alls I truly know, is I wish you and yours well Brother.
Peace. Love. ✌🏼💜🤟🏼
Thank you for sharing this very personal story Allison. I have some shared experiences.
That is such sweet picture of you with your Raggedy Ann doll. xoxo
That in no way sounds nuts. Sending love.
I love all of you. My most recent and powerful experience has been with a psilocybin, assisted therapist working through my childhood traumas. I’ve been able to take care of myself like I never had before and like I never knew I needed to when I was a child. I highly support this type of work. I live in Colorado. And am glad to share anything you need to explore this type of work.
Amy
Allison,
Thank you so much for this gracious and generous response. Brought tears to my eyes. It lifts my heart knowing you are on a healing path and bringing your wounded child-self safely into the light and into the loving hands of the "present, attentive mother". I admire your courage to share such a deeply personal spiritual experience publicly. (That takes way more than "balls" darling, that takes 'The Clit'! Grateful for you.)
Sharing a poem I wrote a couple years back that, for me, is very fitting for this response. I hope you enjoy it ...
HANDS
I have held your hand.
I yearn to hold it again.
To walk beside you,
To look into your eyes,
To cry, to laugh, to Love.
Now you are my hand ...
Your Spirit courses
through my veins.
Channeling art through
the tips of my fingers.
Holding tight to
Creativity's sacred reins.
💜
P.S. I had a Raggedy Anne doll just like that! Precious.
Thank you, Erinn. I LOVE that you asked me this question. I am so interested in every means to recovery and actual thriving! I look forward to more of these conversations. Thanks again.
Me too. :)
Whew. Wow. Breathe. Amazing. Real. Raggedy Ann. Heal. Thank you for sharing your very personal experience.
You are just incredible, AM.
I saw this yesterday and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. What an amazing experience, and thank you for sharing it. I have to say, whenever I see that picture of sweet little you, it makes my heart absolutely SQUEEZE. I'm so glad you got to see her, and save her and your momma. I hope it has brought you some healing and peace. x
I’m in Colorado and had never heard of Reiki until moving here. Your story makes me want to try it. Thank you for such a beautiful description of the experience.
Dear Erinn:
I appreciate your kind and cogent comments. I admire your use of language. I examine my conscience every morning. There is much room for improvement toward making me a better man, especially now that my precious wife of 56 years died of insidious, painful cancer two years ago. I don't have my "baby-girl," my love, my muse and my best friend to help save me from myself. Sometimes a man needs a good woman to help him through his dark days.
Often, we imperfect beings need an honest evaluation and constructive criticism. However, harsh complaints from uncaring critics who only try to steal our self-esteem, may lead to self-hate, which is very destructive.
You mentioned psychic wounding. It reminds me of this poem I just wrote for you:
"The cliche is:
"Time heals all wounds.
That might be true.
But the scars remain."
Peace and love to you, my sister. Do all with love.