You remind me of my GF Elizabeth Geyer in Sydney. Sometimes diagnostic criteria can't be specified. I've wondered "am I seeing a tad of ADHD, Bipolar,Anxiety etc.?" You feel deeply "keen"... a "super receiver." Now, to adjust the dial. The good thing is your searchers heart. It really feels to us like a good one to trust.
So often when I read your words, it’s as though I wrote them about myself. I’m grateful you are willing to be vulnerable and share your internal struggles with words that so frequently reflect what I think, how I feel. Sending love to you ❤️
I relate to all this. I became a mother at 38 and it really sped up ….first my anxiety and then my recovery. My head was on fire when my son was about six and I’d split from his father and moved back south. I’d been nursing a meditation practice for decades already but learning transcendental meditation shifted everything for me. It’s crazy expensive but I got a nice scholarship because I was a single mother on the skids and I met the teacher in my local yoga community. It’s been a profound shift in my state of being and I am ever grateful for that.
Whatever your solution, a day at a time, lots of love and admiration from here ❤️
Yes, I totally get it. I feel that anxiety has quadrupled since the pandemic also. I forgot to breathe while I was reading your post. Everything seems so much worse when you wake up in the middle of the night, and the wheels start turning. But, we will get through it, as we always do.
I always tell my girls, “This too, shall pass.” It’s simple re-assurance that things will get better.
My anxiety has gotten worse as I’ve aged. Turning 60 this year. I also think once you become a mother, you have so much to balance, particularly if you work outside the home, it’s hard not to be anxious. I’m also trying to cut myself some slack. Benadryl works wonders at breaking that 3 am habit once it starts 😉
“I vacillate between dissociation and fragility.” I do know this.
I also know that anxiety is less about my own fragility than my perceived inability to keep myself safe, controlled, and knowing what is next. Step 3 bites. Letting go of the side of the pool. Letting go of the steering wheel. Impossibly hard. We’ve kept ourselves safe for so damn long this way. How do we let go and sleep through the night. 🙏🏻
I heard a phrase yesterday in a guided meditation that I've taken up as a mantra: There is grace for that. There is grace for all my worries and self-doubt. May that grace cover my mind and soul as I say my new mantra over and over.
night, I also often find that my internal “To Do List” does immediately into overdrive. It’s also frequently during those moments that I have really good ideas or decision-making clarity. I have never resorted to keeping a notebook by my bedside but I have occasionally make notes on my phone.
At the same time, these early morning interludes are often filled with anxiety. As I stumble down the hallway to the bathroom, I am often frightened by my own indistinct reflection in the living room window. What evil demon is waiting to attack me? When I recognize the reflection is me, I relax.
It’s a weird time It’s almost like my brain has gone into subconscious overdrive and is unhappy about the interruption to its nocturnal data processing. I am sure that that data processing often spills over into my dreams and vice-versa.
Yesterday marked the 6th anniversary of my stroke. I hate saying “my” because I want to distance myself from it. When I returned home after my spell in hospital, I was scared to go to sleep. It was only 2 years ago, after a neuropsychologist’s assessment, that PTSD was mentioned to me as a probable outcome of having a stroke. It made a lot of sense and explained why I felt the way I did. The therapy that followed after the assessment has helped me a lot. But that early morning anxiety is still there and is more intensive since the stroke. When I wake up, I am still very conscious of my heartbeat because the stroke was related to a heart problem. Perhaps it’s just primeval, instinctive and perfectly normal to be anxious when you wake up in the night or is there something deeper? I don’t have the answer.
Thanks once again Allison for making me stop and think. Px❤️
As many have written I too, could have penned all of these words. I even had a little chuckle when I realized your words were so spot on that it gave me anxiety to read them haha
You’re such a great writer. I felt your anxiety describing your road trip to camp with JH and the tire . Physically felt every word.
I too have been obsessed with the gas tank, many years I suppose of my father preaching never go below a half tank. I remember vividly years back as a passenger in the car, leaning over and looking at the amount of gas in the tank and suggesting we stop. I was told I ruined the trip by changing the mood. I felt horrible for having done so. I’ve never forgotten that.
I’ve been made fun of or chastised for my symptoms of PTSD
Being startled when someone walked into the room that I did not hear coming. Makes one, or at least myself feel badly. And I didn’t know why I was startled, it was my body reacting. You don’t get much understanding. It’s certainly not something we want to happen.
I recently saw a dr and asked for some help with the anxiety. The one med clears my thoughts effectively, but the other maybe helps a bit. Exercise to the extreme seems more effective for me. I can run the anxiety right out of my system. We are willing to do the work to have the relief.
Anyway, thank you Allison for your post. I’m building a small home/cabin in Murphy NC
Maybe we’ll meet up one day and share our anxiety stories and laugh a bit.
You and your life lessons, help me. No yours doesn’t help…….the way you write your words together…..help me put my feelings in order. I’d guess simply knowing “wow she gets me!”
When actually we are all the same.
I would sit and hear your words and pick you up and dust you off…..your ok kid. Making it look easy. I’ve been obsessed by Lauren Daigle “Hold into me” in particular the line……I’m tired of pretending and unrealistic expectations. Sending love and light and peace along your way this morning!
I wrote a song at the beginning of the pandemic…”I’ll be up at 3:30, my new waking time. So many scenarios race through my mind”. It’s a song expressing doubt, fear, unknown. Sent it my sister and she said, “ you know, there are people to talk to if you need it”. I know it was with love but I laughed as writing the song eased my fears etc. great post. Keep it up. Wish you the best.
You remind me of my GF Elizabeth Geyer in Sydney. Sometimes diagnostic criteria can't be specified. I've wondered "am I seeing a tad of ADHD, Bipolar,Anxiety etc.?" You feel deeply "keen"... a "super receiver." Now, to adjust the dial. The good thing is your searchers heart. It really feels to us like a good one to trust.
Join the club Allison we are all striving for balance ✌ ♥
Sal
So often when I read your words, it’s as though I wrote them about myself. I’m grateful you are willing to be vulnerable and share your internal struggles with words that so frequently reflect what I think, how I feel. Sending love to you ❤️
Just to the title alone jukesy says hyup
I relate to all this. I became a mother at 38 and it really sped up ….first my anxiety and then my recovery. My head was on fire when my son was about six and I’d split from his father and moved back south. I’d been nursing a meditation practice for decades already but learning transcendental meditation shifted everything for me. It’s crazy expensive but I got a nice scholarship because I was a single mother on the skids and I met the teacher in my local yoga community. It’s been a profound shift in my state of being and I am ever grateful for that.
Whatever your solution, a day at a time, lots of love and admiration from here ❤️
Yes, I totally get it. I feel that anxiety has quadrupled since the pandemic also. I forgot to breathe while I was reading your post. Everything seems so much worse when you wake up in the middle of the night, and the wheels start turning. But, we will get through it, as we always do.
Love the honesty
I always tell my girls, “This too, shall pass.” It’s simple re-assurance that things will get better.
My anxiety has gotten worse as I’ve aged. Turning 60 this year. I also think once you become a mother, you have so much to balance, particularly if you work outside the home, it’s hard not to be anxious. I’m also trying to cut myself some slack. Benadryl works wonders at breaking that 3 am habit once it starts 😉
“I vacillate between dissociation and fragility.” I do know this.
I also know that anxiety is less about my own fragility than my perceived inability to keep myself safe, controlled, and knowing what is next. Step 3 bites. Letting go of the side of the pool. Letting go of the steering wheel. Impossibly hard. We’ve kept ourselves safe for so damn long this way. How do we let go and sleep through the night. 🙏🏻
Powerful stuff sistah - I feel you and thank you for identifying what we all feel. Love all around.
I heard a phrase yesterday in a guided meditation that I've taken up as a mantra: There is grace for that. There is grace for all my worries and self-doubt. May that grace cover my mind and soul as I say my new mantra over and over.
When I wake up during the
night, I also often find that my internal “To Do List” does immediately into overdrive. It’s also frequently during those moments that I have really good ideas or decision-making clarity. I have never resorted to keeping a notebook by my bedside but I have occasionally make notes on my phone.
At the same time, these early morning interludes are often filled with anxiety. As I stumble down the hallway to the bathroom, I am often frightened by my own indistinct reflection in the living room window. What evil demon is waiting to attack me? When I recognize the reflection is me, I relax.
It’s a weird time It’s almost like my brain has gone into subconscious overdrive and is unhappy about the interruption to its nocturnal data processing. I am sure that that data processing often spills over into my dreams and vice-versa.
Yesterday marked the 6th anniversary of my stroke. I hate saying “my” because I want to distance myself from it. When I returned home after my spell in hospital, I was scared to go to sleep. It was only 2 years ago, after a neuropsychologist’s assessment, that PTSD was mentioned to me as a probable outcome of having a stroke. It made a lot of sense and explained why I felt the way I did. The therapy that followed after the assessment has helped me a lot. But that early morning anxiety is still there and is more intensive since the stroke. When I wake up, I am still very conscious of my heartbeat because the stroke was related to a heart problem. Perhaps it’s just primeval, instinctive and perfectly normal to be anxious when you wake up in the night or is there something deeper? I don’t have the answer.
Thanks once again Allison for making me stop and think. Px❤️
Good morning Allison
Thankful to you for sharing this post
As many have written I too, could have penned all of these words. I even had a little chuckle when I realized your words were so spot on that it gave me anxiety to read them haha
You’re such a great writer. I felt your anxiety describing your road trip to camp with JH and the tire . Physically felt every word.
I too have been obsessed with the gas tank, many years I suppose of my father preaching never go below a half tank. I remember vividly years back as a passenger in the car, leaning over and looking at the amount of gas in the tank and suggesting we stop. I was told I ruined the trip by changing the mood. I felt horrible for having done so. I’ve never forgotten that.
I’ve been made fun of or chastised for my symptoms of PTSD
Being startled when someone walked into the room that I did not hear coming. Makes one, or at least myself feel badly. And I didn’t know why I was startled, it was my body reacting. You don’t get much understanding. It’s certainly not something we want to happen.
I recently saw a dr and asked for some help with the anxiety. The one med clears my thoughts effectively, but the other maybe helps a bit. Exercise to the extreme seems more effective for me. I can run the anxiety right out of my system. We are willing to do the work to have the relief.
Anyway, thank you Allison for your post. I’m building a small home/cabin in Murphy NC
Maybe we’ll meet up one day and share our anxiety stories and laugh a bit.
🌸🌺
You and your life lessons, help me. No yours doesn’t help…….the way you write your words together…..help me put my feelings in order. I’d guess simply knowing “wow she gets me!”
When actually we are all the same.
I would sit and hear your words and pick you up and dust you off…..your ok kid. Making it look easy. I’ve been obsessed by Lauren Daigle “Hold into me” in particular the line……I’m tired of pretending and unrealistic expectations. Sending love and light and peace along your way this morning!
Gwen
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us! And these watercolors are gorgeous.
I wrote a song at the beginning of the pandemic…”I’ll be up at 3:30, my new waking time. So many scenarios race through my mind”. It’s a song expressing doubt, fear, unknown. Sent it my sister and she said, “ you know, there are people to talk to if you need it”. I know it was with love but I laughed as writing the song eased my fears etc. great post. Keep it up. Wish you the best.