Questions + Answers

From Jan in Düsseldorf

Dear Allison,

my name is Jan and I‘m from Germany (Düsseldorf). Last year a friend of mine gave me a copy of Blood (vinyl). Since then I’m a follower 😊…

A few weeks/months  ago I read an interesting sentence in your writings it was like “Grief comes in waves”. My question is, does it come spontaneously or are there any “first signs” that let you know that grief is about to happen again? And: Did you find a strategy to deal with it? A strategy to come aware of these signs?

About my situation: I left my wife (we’d been a couple for over 15 years) and I am in a new relationship. 50 % of the time I’m happy, the other half I’m not. Sometimes I feel that I’ve taken a wrong turn, sometimes I am happy with my decision. Missing my old life and my wife comes in waves – in my case spontaneously. I am looking for a strategy how to handle this in a better way because – if I am honest – I can’t imagine a way back for a number of reasons.

I hope that my question will find its way.

Have a nice weekend.

Kind regards,

Jan

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Dear Jan,

Thank you for your letter and your question.

Let me start by saying I am on my third marriage, so I am not the person to ask about anything concerning the romantic relationship. Grief, however, I know. And no, it isn’t linear. Something from forty years ago can still send us all into the ditch for hours.

Of course, you will grieve your old life from time to time. In most cases, we don’t remain in long-term relationships without there being a lot of good about them, and of course, you miss that good and might always. But something called you away that meant more than all of the good in that 15-year relationship, and all I can say about that is, and so it did. And so you followed it. And that is part of your life’s path. Everyone’s is full of beginnings and endings. Every relationship has already received its terminal diagnosis. We can only hope to learn what we need to learn from them as we go in and out of them.

As far as “first signs” go, it depends. Sometimes I wake up knowing I have a heavy grief about something stirring in me. But sometimes something can trigger a flood of feeling unexpectedly. The best advice I can give about it all is to just take care of yourself, like I’m trying so hard to learn to do, and notice as much as you can the beauty all around you. Focus on that if it isn’t convenient to bawl your eyes out because you don’t understand why you feel like you have an anvil on your chest. It might be the sight of butterfly that gets you from one moment to the next — you never know. It might be a bird singing its song or a girl learning to ride a bicycle. And remember this: if you need to grieve, please do it. You aren’t doing yourself or anyone around you any favors by keeping your feelings and your truth inside you. Let it out, be you, say who you are and what you need kindly, respectfully, and with clarity to the world, or you better believe it’s going to come out in a way that won’t be any of those things sooner or later. We’ve been told to hide our feelings and not ask for what we need and that’s why most of us are in the messes that we are. So I say, let it out, Jan. Let it out when it comes, warning or not. Being able to feel is a gift. It’s how we know.

Be well, take care, and good luck.

I hope y’all have a glorious weekend.

Peace. Love.

Allison

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