Not in my time

but always on time

I think it’s interesting to think about when you learn what you learn, and why you learn it at that time. Is there a pattern or system to the way and pace that life and its lessons unfold? Things do seem to build on one another, whether good or bad.

And once you know something, you can’t unknow it.

What are the real catalysts for change? Do we always know what they are? I don’t think we do. There are major life-changing events that we recognize when they’re happening, of course — birth, death, relationships, major stuff — but what about those little things that did or didn’t happen? Those little opportunities you missed or those misfires that sent you in a different direction than you thought you wanted to go. I’ve been reflecting on some things that happened ten/eleven years ago that I see now were hugely influential in getting me here. Things that I certainly didn’t recognize as huge, but they were.

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I’ve recently begun exploring EMDR therapy on the recommendation of my psychotherapist. I’ve had two sessions so far, and I’m hoping for optimal results, which would basically be the development of the support my nervous system needs to balance my emotional triggers. It deserves a far more complex description than that, so hit the link in the first sentence and by all means, keep digging and decide what you think of it.

I’ve heard of EMDR for years, so I have to wonder why I’m only looking into it as a treatment now. Doesn’t it seem like I would’ve tried it all at this point? Well — it does to me, but I haven’t. That has a lot to do with my habit to not only stiff upper lip my way through life, but to also overachieve! It has recently come to my attention that my way of surviving has been to not only say I’m okay, but to do my best to be a superstar in each and every arena I enter. I fail and fail and fail at meeting those standards, the ones I have decided will allow me to prove I don’t need anyone or anything. And I have historically gotten quite pissed at that terribly inconvenient reality.

Why it took so long to realize what I was doing, why I was doing it, and how to quit doing it, I don’t know. But here I am, ready to recognize what I see and feel and get to the other end of it. It’s gut-wrenching to have some of the realizations I’m having these days, and even to look back on some of those tiny decisions I made that got me here, but to find self-forgiveness on the other end of all of the doubling over is a relief I’ve never been able to provide myself. Not until now. Not until for real mid-life. I had to hit fifty to realize I’ve lived my life in the margins of everyone else’s.

Saying that doesn’t make sense. I’ve had and continue to have, sometimes, a large life of my own. But I have lived it with one eye on everyone else — waiting to see what they were going to think, do, say, feel — and I was far too worried about what all of that had to do with me. So, it hasn’t been from of a lack of ego that I’ve spent too much time in agony over others’ decisions — in fact, it’s been because I’ve had one that wasn’t right sized.

Remember that quote about humility? It isn’t thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. It’s taken me a while to understand what that might really mean. Of course I can’t stop thinking of myself — I’m in my brain — it’s the thinking of myself always in relation to others that’s the problem. Trying to please others to make sure they wouldn’t go away made me create a false self — one that was damn near a shell — all tough/stubborn on one side and tender/needy on the other and not much in between. Truth is, there’s a lot in between tough/stubborn and tender/needy, and that’s where the fullness is — in the traces of the true self I had to protect and ultimately abandon to survive. So, of course I had to look to others for direction — my real sense of self wasn’t there to provide it. It had been squashed.

I’m grateful I’m beginning to let the false fall away and the real come back. I’m beginning to think of myself first, not in the selfish ways that I have in the past, but in the way that allows me to think of what I need in the situation, whatever it is. There is no better way to be good for another person than by taking care of yourself so you can really show up to the relationship in full and good faith.

I feel like I’ve been invited to join a club I’ve always wanted to join.

I recorded a new Saint Seven song last week. So there is music in the works! There are also new paintings being painted, which I’ll put up in the shop as soon as I have good bundle.

Should we have an Autotelic t-shirt?

I hope your journey is going well today.

Peace, love.

Allison

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