My Sunday List
May 19, 2024
Words
“In the absence of facts, the brain will always default to the worst case scenario.”
I’m not sure where I heard this, but it was on a podcast I listened to this week. I usually try to listen to something informative in the mornings while I’m getting ready for work. I did a search on the quote, because it hit me so hard I wrote it down in my notebook, but I can’t find exactly where it came from. The search did, however, lead me to some interesting articles. Look at this one.
“It’s more important to be a three-dimensional person. And one of the ways you get to be a whole person is you stop thinking about your little self. ‘Am I pretty am I not pretty eh eh’ and then start doing something serious for somebody else. And doing it for their benefit, you may make mistakes. You are not, I’m sure, flawless, so you’re gonna mess up. You don’t get anything for it. It’s you doing it. It’s you, you know, picking up what was broken and putting it back together again. Even if you put it back together and it doesn’t want to be put back together and it may want to be crooked. That’s hardly the point. The point is to do that and it’s not, you’re not gonna be happy after you do it. You don’t get to get nothing.”
And this one is from the one and only Toni Morrison. It was taken from a talk she did at the 92nd Street Y, and is edited together as far as I can tell. Still, what good words. You can watch the whole thing here.
Song
This is the last song I liked on Spotify. “Carinna” by James Hunter. It’s really cool.
I watched
A daily dose of The Country Music Hall of Fame & Museum’s archival footage. As one of the newest members of the museum’s editorial team, I’ve been assigned with finishing the job of updating member bios for the website. This week I’ve updated Ray Price, Fred Rose, Wesley Rose, Arthur E. Satherly, Don Schlitz, Billy Sherrill, Stephen Sholes, and on Friday afternoon I began an update on Carl Smith. I’ll finish it tomorrow morning.
I’m still pinching myself over my good fortune.
Book
I slowed way down on How To Know a Person. The Capote book — Capote’s Women: A True Story of Love, Betrayal, and a Swan Song For an Era (Laurence Leamer) is what I’ve needed lately and it is filled with gossipy escapism. Gossip is something I’m making an effort to remove from my real life — it’s hard — once you notice how wrapped up in gossip our daily conversations are, it’s more than a little sad, and then you realize you’ve been and probably still are as guilty as the next person of grinding the rumor mill. It usually isn’t until we realize how much grist we ourselves have provided that we begin to have empathy for others in their less-than-shining moments or see how we have no business knowing others’ downright private affairs. But working with more serious words all day long begs for balance. I don’t want to always turn to the moving image to turn off my brain. I still usually like to read before I go to sleep. But that hour isn’t well-suited by a text that urges me to underline and attach sticky notes.
All that to say — I’m still reading the Brooks book, I’m just not plowing through it like I was last month.
Favorite moments
The rainy days. Not a moment, but a feeling that I tend to like — being inside, safe, and warm — and watching water bead on and fall down the windows.
Catching up with a few treasured ladies. Visits with friends are never long enough.
Sitting here at this moment, in the room that was a breakfast room but has now been converted to a sort of cozy lounge area. We realized we didn’t need two tables on which to eat. But what we always need is a place to connect — either with ourselves or with each other. I’ve filled it with plants and they all reach toward the light. We have a cottage door, which checks off a bucket list item for my fairy tale-loving inner child. The top of the door is open, I hear the birds singing, and it feels like peace.
What I’m wearing
What I’m cooking
I’ve been mostly solo all week — H. is on the road and John Henry isn’t home for the summer yet. It has been nice to have some solitude, but what I’m not good at is feeding myself anything decent while I’m alone. I think it has something to do with the freedom of not having to figure out what to eat, but lately that freedom has allowed me to eat like a seven-year-old — chocolate almonds, ice cream, cheese and bread — not good. So my challenge today is to fix myself a piece of fish and a salad the size of my head for supper. I also have a new happy place — Trader Joe’s.
Favorite Photo I Took This Week
I’m grateful for
A positive direction. Personal growth and a life that demands it. Friendship. Knowing who my people are but also being willing to widen my circle. Gardening. The cicadas, even though they are so loud it hurts my ears to go outside some hours. The grace I’m given as I continually learn how to ask for help. Vision. Ever-evolving clarity. Unconditional love.
What I made
I finished the butterfly as self-portrait and forgot to take a photograph of it before I took it where it’s supposed to go. But I’ll get one.
I made room for myself in my life. I concentrated on letting go of what doesn’t feel right and allowing what does feel right to simply be without alteration or trying to force it into my ideal container. I said no to some things and didn’t feel badly about it. I made stronger boundaries. So I guess what I really made was a tiny bit of progress toward being an autonomous human being without the constant anxiety and downright horror of co-dependence.
I feel good about all of that.
Something wonderful I noticed
Once again, same as last week and same as the week before:
The more I let go, the better life gets.
What brought me joy
Knowing that summer officially begins next week. I’m counting down the days until John Henry gets home and of course, making a few lists too. Does he have the clothes he needs, what shoes is he going to want, how have his food tastes changed since spring break… When I buy groceries for the household and he’s home, I call it “laying in supplies for the Viking’s arrival.” A teenage boy can consume copious amounts.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for giving me the strength to let go of everything I cannot control, which is everything outside of myself. Allow me to let go of shenpa and exchange it for shunyata. Only through you can I do that and know peace. And finally, please give me the strength that is required to clearly see what I need to see.
(shenpa - what hooks us. shunyata - being empty of what hooks us, no ego, no separate idea of self)
Intention for the week to come
May I be present before I am concerned with being anything else.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I meet others with kindness and acceptance and still keep my boundaries.
May I feel confident enough in those boundaries to be flexible in my actions.
May I use my words for good.
May I be grateful.
May I trust.
May I have CLARITY.
May I be patient.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at the time.
Something I’m thinking about
How to be more concerned with how much love I’m giving rather than how much love I’m getting.
Transactional love doesn’t really feel like love — you give me this and I’ll give you that — because if something is required to receive it, you’ll always know that if you don’t do that thing, the love will be taken away.
If you don’t love me the way I want you to then I’m not going to love you the way you want me to. In fact, I’m probably not going to love you at all, because if getting love in return is a requirement for giving it, I’m actually just reacting to my fleeting emotions (love isn’t fleeting) and manipulating you to get what I want so I can feel how I want to feel, not loving you.
Oof. Yikes But yes.
To that I say, why? Are we so caught up in the actions of others and in how those actions may or may not affect us that we only know how to be a retributive species? My prayer is essentially about that. Let me let go of everything that doesn’t have something to do with me. And please help me see that that’s most things. When I’m not attached to the outcome of someone else’s business, I am free from the pain of not being able to control what the outcome of their business brings me. And one has to have really good boundaries for that to work. Both for the self and for others. I’m just starting to learn that boundaries are to keep me safe from myself, not to restrict others from their free will. They’re for me to be able to recognize when something isn’t right for me, not for being able to make sure I’m not hurt by what someone else does. If my personal boundaries are in place, I am able to make the best decision for myself because I know I won’t abandon myself out of fear someone else will and accept things from others that don’t align with my soul.
If I’m not in pain, love can be true and when it is, it has no bounds. When it is true and unafraid, when I’m not concerned with how or even if it will be returned, I can give it wholly, freely, and enthusiastically.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
5:15 wake-up. Coffee. Read a little. Prayers. Yoga.
Best Word or Term
Impedimenta: things which impede or hinder progress or movement; encumbrances, baggage.
I allowed impedimenta to rule my life for too long.
Wishes
That I recognize every opportunity to feel joy, and that I take each one.
That my fellow creatures do that too.
That you all are content and well.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
There are first edition copies of I Dream He Talks to Me and Blood in the shop. I will sign each copy that is ordered. If you would like it personalized, please send an email with your order number and the name you would like on the signature page to allisonmoorercontact@gmail.com.
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Allison
‘Nothing wrong with James Hunter’s Carina. Absolutely not.
But dig out Down to Believing and fast forward to track 10:
“I scrubbed the varnish off the hardwood floor,
that cigarette burn by the bedroom well it ain’t there anymore”.
Tell me that’s not one of the finest metaphors ever consigned to CD.
A truly inspired piece of writing of which you should be duly proud.
You know a lot, but you really don’t know how good you are.
Down to Believing. Blood. Can the next one be even better?
Very kind regards
Alex
Food: I’m a former Executive Chef in Hotels, Healthcare and educator. The best decision I made in 2024 was adding a nutritionist to my own care team.
Absorption, vitamins, minerals and hydration alone merit this, especially for emotional and mental health. Our brains need our gut to nourish itself. I learn more every virtual visit.
Yes, I cook well, yes my brain needs nutrition and care.
My sadness is around the unrepentant food manufacturers who want us to believe that 1M SKUs of natural foods are all best for us. My diet is now simplest ever, I eat what I want and am very, very grateful.