And so much time was spent living up to that forced identity: the performer, the responsible one, the one no one had to worry about, that that’s who I became, or what I tried to live, albeit uncomfortably.,
Childhood trauma harms the brain but the brain can be rewired. As we rewire our brains, as we recover, we need patience. I'm learning to practice self-compassion. I may not yet be where I want to be but I'm not where I used to be. Progress.
I shake my head and say "uh huh, yep, that's write, I so get that, I totally understand" as I read each of your words. You are brave and I love your honesty. I've already commented on this before but I'll say it again. You are healing others through your own journey and I thank you for this. Blessings and peach to you. You're an awesome person.
Allison, you have every right to be upset/angry with that reckless driver. Who knows if he was really in a hurry, or just being a jerk? Learning to be true to ourselves, and accepting who we are is a lifelong process of hard work. It we were all perfect and flawless, it would be very boring, and we would have nothing to strive for. Truth be told, I wouldn't relate to you half as much if you were a "Pollyanna!" Thanks for being who you are, and your willingness to share your honest perspective.
I'm sure you've read it, but if you haven't, The Body Keeps the Score has been extremely helpful to several people I know with severe trauma. Sending you peace. <3
Allison, I’m flattened. Truth. My story, this week, a bit different, but sadly the triggers produce the same feelings of unworthiness, imperfection, stigma and fear. My demons are alive and they won’t leave. I surrender to peace and journal, meditate, pray...but I’m struggling to create anything. Crisis has hit, and I’ll be ok...Iv taken action and now I wait, hoping for the Grace I need. Healing is rather hard. Surrendering is hard. Living is f* hard ..burning a trail for a path to freedom and life in the midst of hate, even harder. I’m flattened. I m hoping to be of service, create and express to the world something that inspires through speaking, writing, maybe creating community and helping with social ills like homelessness. It’s sounds like a big order, but it starts with small things. I have to remember this and keep going. Life looks bleak today, but I did what I could..I applied for some jobs in my new field . I pray to god, I get one. Unless, I get some unbelievable offer ...like write a book, songs , be a circuit speaker ...sing, otherwise, Iv got to hope my purpose has led me to the right door.
What you may be calling 'failure' (in the moment) I call "winning". I like to take the Edison perspective, "I haven't failed 10,000 times, I've discovered 10,000 ways it won't work." Trying, and things not turning out the way one might expect or hope is not failure, it's learning, growth, transformation, evolution ... that is life. Failing, true failure, is not even trying, saying, thinking, behaving, BEING. Engaging with life means you bump into shit, you fall down, you get stuck, you get injured, you get straight up clit-blocked ...all battle scars, yet you pick yourself up, you take another step, you keep moving on. Never lose sight of the fact, that every pause you make, every time you look at yourself and take stock of all the things, every time you tell yourself to refine those negative narratives, is a step forward. That is progress, success, winning. (In my book.) You are a treasure! I am deeply grateful for you, your art and your heart. :)
With that (and inspired by your Sunday List book recommendation "Writing for your Life" Anna Quindlen) I'm offering up a quote that I love from a writer admired by many ...
"Of all the things I'd done in my life, of all the versions of myself I'd lived out, there was one that never changed: I was a writer.
I didn't feel sad or happy. I didn't feel proud or ashamed. I only felt that in spite of all the things I had done wrong, in getting myself here, I'd done right.
The [Journey] PCT [Pacific Coast Trail] had taught me what a mile was. I was humble before each and every one." ~ Cheryl Strayed "Wild"
Ok one more, can't resist (plus it's a perfect paring). This gem is from a Texas brother I met on the Big Island of Hawaii (it stuck!) ...
"For every mile of road, there are two miles of ditch."
I love this entire essay for so many different reasons. What I find to be so absolutely accurate: when we grow up without the ability to “not know” --when we have to know everything as children--it’s both an expectation of others around us, and our own self-protective impulses at work. You were supposed to know everything. I wanted to know everything because not knowing would put me in too much danger. What I found now is that I attract the exact same judgmental, gaslighting, stonewalling people in my adult life as I had as a child at home. Why? It’s familiar. It’s what we know. It’s the original language we speak. We do it again and again not because there’s something inherently wrong with us; it’s because in difficult, stressful times when the world is caving in on us, we go to those places of origin because to do so is primal. We’re hard wired for it even if those places were terrible. And we replicate them with people who treat us similarly. Only now we recognize it. I so get this:
“When I have those days, when I can’t quite keep it together because shit keeps falling apart, I can develop a false narrative through that judgment with which I learned to blanket myself and yes, the judgment of others — That I’m negative, that I’m too forceful, that I’m too direct, that I’m too anything.” Those are the words of origin. Those aren’t the words of truth, as it is. Sending ❤️❤️❤️ and thanks for your continued beautiful writing. 🙏🏻
My beautiful wife, may she rest-in-peace, was a petite 4' 8" beauty who was often teased about her height. At times, she was also bullied by uncaring "savages." As a U.S. Marine trained to defend myself and my beloved country, I taught my wife a game I play when someone tries to make a fool of me. It is called "kill" them in your mind. You pretend they are not worthy of your time or anger, so you mentally "kill" them.
APATHY is much worse than Hate, which takes negative passion. Apathy means the person who tries to abuse you is valueless, and only deserves to be totally ignored. Later, when you calm down, you have the choice of bringing them back to "life," or sending them to purgatory to pay for their sins.
I am a terrible Christian because I never turn the other cheek, and I believe righteous avengement is sweet. I'll let Jesus forgive my enemies, but I will take up the sword like Saint Peter and the Archangel Michael, and fight with God the Father against Satan and his minions. "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." Someone has to fight back, dear Allison. God Bless You.
Thank you Allison for voicing what we all encounter…. Today I found myself getting angry/frustrated and didn’t understand why I was so. Slap on back of head reminded me I was getting my way. So back to Trust God and Do Good mantra. Life is a very funny trip! Love you and all of you
It is a cycle, or 'phases and stages' as Willie says. And you're right. We all do some of the same things. I just finished beating myself up over being so far behind on my current manuscript. Then I found a way to forgive and mosey on. We're all doing our best. Sending light and love to you, dear soul!
I think finding your own way is commendable and is a lot of work! I have been learning the guitar like that, slowly! I come from a fine arts photo background and found it to be extremely useful for other media, especially when it comes to the composition of the piece. It's all fascinating, actually. In the past, the "rule of thirds" was the theory of composition most ascribed to but then Diane Arbus came in with her confrontational center-focused portraits and opened new doors. So much to see...
"I’m grateful that we are finally living in a culture of healing."
Amen, sister.
Childhood trauma harms the brain but the brain can be rewired. As we rewire our brains, as we recover, we need patience. I'm learning to practice self-compassion. I may not yet be where I want to be but I'm not where I used to be. Progress.
We both know that to be true
exactly.
I shake my head and say "uh huh, yep, that's write, I so get that, I totally understand" as I read each of your words. You are brave and I love your honesty. I've already commented on this before but I'll say it again. You are healing others through your own journey and I thank you for this. Blessings and peach to you. You're an awesome person.
Sorry…peace
I got ya ;)
I would also be delighted with a peach.
Georgia has the best. I’m in California and haven’t had one in years.
Allison, you have every right to be upset/angry with that reckless driver. Who knows if he was really in a hurry, or just being a jerk? Learning to be true to ourselves, and accepting who we are is a lifelong process of hard work. It we were all perfect and flawless, it would be very boring, and we would have nothing to strive for. Truth be told, I wouldn't relate to you half as much if you were a "Pollyanna!" Thanks for being who you are, and your willingness to share your honest perspective.
Thank you, Alice. I’m grateful for our community here and y’all teach me much more than I teach you with your willingness to be here. x
Your therapist sounds like she knows what she's talking about
Best one I’ve ever had.
Stick with her for sure
I'm sure you've read it, but if you haven't, The Body Keeps the Score has been extremely helpful to several people I know with severe trauma. Sending you peace. <3
Yep and thank you.
Allison, I’m flattened. Truth. My story, this week, a bit different, but sadly the triggers produce the same feelings of unworthiness, imperfection, stigma and fear. My demons are alive and they won’t leave. I surrender to peace and journal, meditate, pray...but I’m struggling to create anything. Crisis has hit, and I’ll be ok...Iv taken action and now I wait, hoping for the Grace I need. Healing is rather hard. Surrendering is hard. Living is f* hard ..burning a trail for a path to freedom and life in the midst of hate, even harder. I’m flattened. I m hoping to be of service, create and express to the world something that inspires through speaking, writing, maybe creating community and helping with social ills like homelessness. It’s sounds like a big order, but it starts with small things. I have to remember this and keep going. Life looks bleak today, but I did what I could..I applied for some jobs in my new field . I pray to god, I get one. Unless, I get some unbelievable offer ...like write a book, songs , be a circuit speaker ...sing, otherwise, Iv got to hope my purpose has led me to the right door.
Hang in there.
What you may be calling 'failure' (in the moment) I call "winning". I like to take the Edison perspective, "I haven't failed 10,000 times, I've discovered 10,000 ways it won't work." Trying, and things not turning out the way one might expect or hope is not failure, it's learning, growth, transformation, evolution ... that is life. Failing, true failure, is not even trying, saying, thinking, behaving, BEING. Engaging with life means you bump into shit, you fall down, you get stuck, you get injured, you get straight up clit-blocked ...all battle scars, yet you pick yourself up, you take another step, you keep moving on. Never lose sight of the fact, that every pause you make, every time you look at yourself and take stock of all the things, every time you tell yourself to refine those negative narratives, is a step forward. That is progress, success, winning. (In my book.) You are a treasure! I am deeply grateful for you, your art and your heart. :)
With that (and inspired by your Sunday List book recommendation "Writing for your Life" Anna Quindlen) I'm offering up a quote that I love from a writer admired by many ...
"Of all the things I'd done in my life, of all the versions of myself I'd lived out, there was one that never changed: I was a writer.
I didn't feel sad or happy. I didn't feel proud or ashamed. I only felt that in spite of all the things I had done wrong, in getting myself here, I'd done right.
The [Journey] PCT [Pacific Coast Trail] had taught me what a mile was. I was humble before each and every one." ~ Cheryl Strayed "Wild"
Ok one more, can't resist (plus it's a perfect paring). This gem is from a Texas brother I met on the Big Island of Hawaii (it stuck!) ...
"For every mile of road, there are two miles of ditch."
Cheers to keepin' it between the lines! 💜 🤟🏽
Thank you for all of this!
Thank YOU! ✌🏼
I love this entire essay for so many different reasons. What I find to be so absolutely accurate: when we grow up without the ability to “not know” --when we have to know everything as children--it’s both an expectation of others around us, and our own self-protective impulses at work. You were supposed to know everything. I wanted to know everything because not knowing would put me in too much danger. What I found now is that I attract the exact same judgmental, gaslighting, stonewalling people in my adult life as I had as a child at home. Why? It’s familiar. It’s what we know. It’s the original language we speak. We do it again and again not because there’s something inherently wrong with us; it’s because in difficult, stressful times when the world is caving in on us, we go to those places of origin because to do so is primal. We’re hard wired for it even if those places were terrible. And we replicate them with people who treat us similarly. Only now we recognize it. I so get this:
“When I have those days, when I can’t quite keep it together because shit keeps falling apart, I can develop a false narrative through that judgment with which I learned to blanket myself and yes, the judgment of others — That I’m negative, that I’m too forceful, that I’m too direct, that I’m too anything.” Those are the words of origin. Those aren’t the words of truth, as it is. Sending ❤️❤️❤️ and thanks for your continued beautiful writing. 🙏🏻
Thank you, Elissa. I know you know. x
My beautiful wife, may she rest-in-peace, was a petite 4' 8" beauty who was often teased about her height. At times, she was also bullied by uncaring "savages." As a U.S. Marine trained to defend myself and my beloved country, I taught my wife a game I play when someone tries to make a fool of me. It is called "kill" them in your mind. You pretend they are not worthy of your time or anger, so you mentally "kill" them.
APATHY is much worse than Hate, which takes negative passion. Apathy means the person who tries to abuse you is valueless, and only deserves to be totally ignored. Later, when you calm down, you have the choice of bringing them back to "life," or sending them to purgatory to pay for their sins.
I am a terrible Christian because I never turn the other cheek, and I believe righteous avengement is sweet. I'll let Jesus forgive my enemies, but I will take up the sword like Saint Peter and the Archangel Michael, and fight with God the Father against Satan and his minions. "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." Someone has to fight back, dear Allison. God Bless You.
"Life is a play,
written by a genius.
But where the actors
are often fools." - MRVERITAS.SUBSTACK.COM
This hit me so hard on so many levels it brought tears to my eyes, AM. Thank you. JB
Thank you Allison for voicing what we all encounter…. Today I found myself getting angry/frustrated and didn’t understand why I was so. Slap on back of head reminded me I was getting my way. So back to Trust God and Do Good mantra. Life is a very funny trip! Love you and all of you
Brave one. I'm betting at the very end you'll understand on a internalized level you are good and always were. Your questions are proof.
My HP tells me I am okay. I try to listen. x
It is a cycle, or 'phases and stages' as Willie says. And you're right. We all do some of the same things. I just finished beating myself up over being so far behind on my current manuscript. Then I found a way to forgive and mosey on. We're all doing our best. Sending light and love to you, dear soul!
Good luck with the manuscript. x
I really like your lady flowers piece. Great art!
As usual I’m a terrible student and have to find my own way with things, but I am trying to do lessons and learn how it really works!
I think finding your own way is commendable and is a lot of work! I have been learning the guitar like that, slowly! I come from a fine arts photo background and found it to be extremely useful for other media, especially when it comes to the composition of the piece. It's all fascinating, actually. In the past, the "rule of thirds" was the theory of composition most ascribed to but then Diane Arbus came in with her confrontational center-focused portraits and opened new doors. So much to see...