Learning how to live

and butterfly hugs

I told H. this morning, when he joined me in front of the buddha for coffee, “I had the strangest feeling when I woke up.”

“What was it?”

“Safety, security, dare I say peace, yet I was still excited to go to my work table. There was a feeling of joy!”

We laughed.

A few minutes earlier I’d read the July 5 passage in the Melodie Beattie devotional I’m using this year. Become Excited About Life was the entry title. It is my birthright to feel joy, it said — it is my right to keep it, it said — it is the reward for staying committed to learning and growing, it said.

As I’ve written in recent weeks, I feel like I’m turning a corner that I definitely needed to turn. I took some steps to really address some stubborn things I was sick of coming up against and got real about how I was living, which was in survival mode. I didn’t know. I didn’t know my body had been stuck in fight or flight for most of my life. I’m starting to feel more relaxed and it is heavenly.

I credit EMDR for allowing the process to begin. I had a session today and learned the most lovely technique, called a butterfly hug. I’ll link a youtube video HERE but will also include this photo of me doing it because it feels so good.

My therapist told me the index fingers should rest right underneath the collarbones. Then you tap, one side then the other. It’s a terrific tool to reduce anxiety. Today, we used it to reinforce some positive thoughts.

If any of that is of help to you, I am so glad.

The other great thing I learned today was this quote: If it is IN the way, it IS the way.

And finally, I want to say that I think using my creativity in a new way has helped me find pathways to my authentic self. I find a flow when I paint that I don’t find with any other artform except for maybe cooking. It has the same instinctual feel for me. I figure — I don’t know how to do this so what do I have to lose? I can always put it back down because it isn’t like it’s my job to get it right — I’m not a professional, am I? There’s so much freedom in it. And I’ve discovered a deep love for the process of making visual art. It feels like going home to myself. I heard it whisper to me now and then throughout the past 30 years, but I mostly let my fear drown it out.

Here’s an example of a commission I just did. The purchaser wanted something for her best friend’s birthday, and the friend is a recently retired social worker. She spent her career caring for others in a hospital setting, so I included the red cross (always a favorite motif), sunflowers are her favorite, and I used purple to reference a poem.

Don’t be afraid to ask about commissions! I am happy to do specific pieces like the one pictured, or like anything that’s on the shop website. I feel like y’all know my style by now so you know what I’m capable of. Michaelangelo I am not.

But who is? I’m going to keep on keeping on. As I also read this morning, feelings are to be listened to. They indicate what I need.

What I need right now is some supper and an early bedtime. John Henry has been away for few days and I must prepare his return. It’s sort of like a viking coming home, in terms of what I need to have in the cupboard. No one told me how much a thirteen-year-old boy can eat. I hope y’all are having a good week and that it gets better from here. I’m going to go try my hand at chicken paillard.

Peace. Love.

Allison

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