This is a remarkable, deeply generous post. Thank you. "Not-seeing" is a requirement in abusive homes; I'm just starting to grok that, at the age of 59. It is assumed that if trauma is followed up with normalcy --"Let's go shopping in Mobile" -- then no one has time to feel what happened, including the abuser. And I think you're right about looking at it being directly connected to Step 1, and powerlessness. I so appreciate your writing, as always. (And on another note: having written in the neighborhood of 8k recipes in my professional life, I have never seen the instruction "Acquaint the flour with the butter." Perfection.)
I gave up resolutions a few years ago for what I call "life modifications." This year, I'm attempting to write each day (I'm not there yet!) and today's newsletter has given me much to think about that I think I need to journal in order to cope with some of this type of behavior that I grew up with. I felt triggered reading it so that's a sign that it's still there and needs to be tended to.
I'm teaching myself to make biscuits this year. Despite being at my grandmother's side throughout my entire childhood, her baking magic didn't pass to me thru osmosis. I'm going to add your recipe to my practice.
Step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanagable. Sadly, too many keep trying to exert their power over their addiction. The results are jails, institutions or death. ❤️❤️❤️
The Autotelic has turned-even more so now-into full bore soul searching and soul saving group therapy. You’re out ahead of us on all of this and guiding us gently each time you come back and share what you’ve learned, what you’ve become. These posts are selfless and revelatory. You are a Heart Surgeon of a different nature and I swear to you every day since you came back has been a little bit easier for me because of you. And your thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m progressing, if just a tiny bit, each time you post. The fact that you touched on the sentence I zeroed in on and quoted from your last post just shows me once again how in synch you are with the bigger picture. I watch in wonderment. I read your words and I’m that child, so badly traumatized, able to look inside myself and at least somewhat understand “why.” I’m not a bad person. I’ve tried my best. I’m trying to help others who suffered the same horrors. You just show me I can do better and even sometimes how. Thank you. Seeker. Beacon. Allison. ox JB
Reading what you have written today reminded me of my own mum’s passing Allison and also of my buried emotions. The circumstances were different. My mum was 52 and had a heart condition that was much worse than we realized. I was 15. My dad call to me from their bedroom. He was trying to revive my mum. We had no phone at the time and he sent be in my PJs to the neighbour’s house to call the doctor but by the time he arrived my mum was dead.
I didn’t try at the funeral. I was a “brave boy” according to my family. I suppressed that grief for many years. It was 20 years later that a wave of grief hit me like a tsunami and I cried myself to sleep and woke up with my face pressed against a soggy pillow. So that was it right. The grieving, the healing over right?
My mum had died early on a Monday morning. Over the years I came to realize that my “disturbed” Monday mornings were something more than the normal “Monday morning blues”. That long-passed Monday was impregnated in my subconscious along with a fear that, one Monday morning, I would suffer the same fate. I realize the root of the Monday problem when I was comforting an employee whose dad had just died. Since then I’ve discussed this with a therapist but it still haunts me.
I wonder what impact those buried emotions have had on me. Perhaps it’s a struggle that can never be won completely.
That you once again for sharing you experiences. They are thought-provoking and it’s nice to know that there are others in the same boat and that 50 years after the traumatic event, the healing process is still continuing. Px
Grief does not move linearly. I’ve said it probably 1000 times. I missed my mother terribly yesterday and yep, when those moments come I still feel like I lost her yesterday. All we can do is allow our feelings to flow through us and let them go.
Thank you, Allison... wow, I'm finally understanding why I've hid my feelings most of my life. I'm just wow-ed. I can't thank you, enough. I've been so hard on myself for never speaking up or responding to others, or feeling good enough to stand up for myself, as well. Thank you. Love you (sigh)
Thank you for your honesty.After reading Blood, my first reaction was…how she can and sis be okay,moving on with their lives like nothing happened….the empath in me. Now I realize that you are working through it, maybe not as okay as you portrayed. I have 2friends, identical twins, who were molested by their father, one of them is working through, the other is denying anything ever happed. Please keep us updated on your journey…you are helping a lot of people. ❤️
Thank you for sharing openly. I’m getting my “sea legs” ..healing is my main goal , hopefully, my healing will inspire others too. Allison, your writings, here have greatly helped . Thank you.
Allison, to be honest, reading "Blood," I was so furious at your father for the damage he caused, I could not fathom how you'd be able to forgive him. I still feel that way towards him, but I also understand why you want to show grace and come to a place of forgiveness, esp for your own growth and peace of mind.
I can only imagine how hard this is. Sending support on this journey of life.❤️🙏🏽🦋
We can often hold anger for others, I think, and we want justice for others sometimes far more than for ourselves. It’s easier to see others as deserving of it, maybe. In any case, I think anytime we can lift burdens from our heart, it’s a good idea to do it. The tricky part is noticing when we’re ready. Having time to have these realizations is a gift.
Allison, thanks for responding. I was worried I was too harsh. But what you say makes a lot of sense. My ex became abusive to me and my son after getting MS, and my friends/parents still can’t forgive him.. but I have had to—in order to keep my heart open. A closed heart just feels like death. *Really* appreciate you sharing this journey with us. 💜💜
This is a remarkable, deeply generous post. Thank you. "Not-seeing" is a requirement in abusive homes; I'm just starting to grok that, at the age of 59. It is assumed that if trauma is followed up with normalcy --"Let's go shopping in Mobile" -- then no one has time to feel what happened, including the abuser. And I think you're right about looking at it being directly connected to Step 1, and powerlessness. I so appreciate your writing, as always. (And on another note: having written in the neighborhood of 8k recipes in my professional life, I have never seen the instruction "Acquaint the flour with the butter." Perfection.)
I gave up resolutions a few years ago for what I call "life modifications." This year, I'm attempting to write each day (I'm not there yet!) and today's newsletter has given me much to think about that I think I need to journal in order to cope with some of this type of behavior that I grew up with. I felt triggered reading it so that's a sign that it's still there and needs to be tended to.
I'm teaching myself to make biscuits this year. Despite being at my grandmother's side throughout my entire childhood, her baking magic didn't pass to me thru osmosis. I'm going to add your recipe to my practice.
Life Modifications. I like that.
Your honesty and authenticity are astounding and inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Thomas. x
I relate. ❤️
Step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanagable. Sadly, too many keep trying to exert their power over their addiction. The results are jails, institutions or death. ❤️❤️❤️
Beautiful to see your growth through this process - never easy, but so important!
The Autotelic has turned-even more so now-into full bore soul searching and soul saving group therapy. You’re out ahead of us on all of this and guiding us gently each time you come back and share what you’ve learned, what you’ve become. These posts are selfless and revelatory. You are a Heart Surgeon of a different nature and I swear to you every day since you came back has been a little bit easier for me because of you. And your thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’m progressing, if just a tiny bit, each time you post. The fact that you touched on the sentence I zeroed in on and quoted from your last post just shows me once again how in synch you are with the bigger picture. I watch in wonderment. I read your words and I’m that child, so badly traumatized, able to look inside myself and at least somewhat understand “why.” I’m not a bad person. I’ve tried my best. I’m trying to help others who suffered the same horrors. You just show me I can do better and even sometimes how. Thank you. Seeker. Beacon. Allison. ox JB
JB, anything I can do to help another through my own experience feels good to me. I feel like I’ve returned in a new way, which feels good. Thank you.
I just realized you’re reading to us, as well, now!
The Sun just came out, here!
JB
It's wonderful to hear you read in your own voice. It's so much more personal. I feel the level of communication is much higher. Please continue!
Reading what you have written today reminded me of my own mum’s passing Allison and also of my buried emotions. The circumstances were different. My mum was 52 and had a heart condition that was much worse than we realized. I was 15. My dad call to me from their bedroom. He was trying to revive my mum. We had no phone at the time and he sent be in my PJs to the neighbour’s house to call the doctor but by the time he arrived my mum was dead.
I didn’t try at the funeral. I was a “brave boy” according to my family. I suppressed that grief for many years. It was 20 years later that a wave of grief hit me like a tsunami and I cried myself to sleep and woke up with my face pressed against a soggy pillow. So that was it right. The grieving, the healing over right?
My mum had died early on a Monday morning. Over the years I came to realize that my “disturbed” Monday mornings were something more than the normal “Monday morning blues”. That long-passed Monday was impregnated in my subconscious along with a fear that, one Monday morning, I would suffer the same fate. I realize the root of the Monday problem when I was comforting an employee whose dad had just died. Since then I’ve discussed this with a therapist but it still haunts me.
I wonder what impact those buried emotions have had on me. Perhaps it’s a struggle that can never be won completely.
That you once again for sharing you experiences. They are thought-provoking and it’s nice to know that there are others in the same boat and that 50 years after the traumatic event, the healing process is still continuing. Px
Grief does not move linearly. I’ve said it probably 1000 times. I missed my mother terribly yesterday and yep, when those moments come I still feel like I lost her yesterday. All we can do is allow our feelings to flow through us and let them go.
Thank you, Allison... wow, I'm finally understanding why I've hid my feelings most of my life. I'm just wow-ed. I can't thank you, enough. I've been so hard on myself for never speaking up or responding to others, or feeling good enough to stand up for myself, as well. Thank you. Love you (sigh)
Thank you, Angie. x
We live. We learn. We love.
Thank you for your honesty.After reading Blood, my first reaction was…how she can and sis be okay,moving on with their lives like nothing happened….the empath in me. Now I realize that you are working through it, maybe not as okay as you portrayed. I have 2friends, identical twins, who were molested by their father, one of them is working through, the other is denying anything ever happed. Please keep us updated on your journey…you are helping a lot of people. ❤️
Thank you for reading. x
Thank you for sharing openly. I’m getting my “sea legs” ..healing is my main goal , hopefully, my healing will inspire others too. Allison, your writings, here have greatly helped . Thank you.
I’m so glad. x
Powerful words made even more impactful through your speaking voice. Peace be with you.
Allison, to be honest, reading "Blood," I was so furious at your father for the damage he caused, I could not fathom how you'd be able to forgive him. I still feel that way towards him, but I also understand why you want to show grace and come to a place of forgiveness, esp for your own growth and peace of mind.
I can only imagine how hard this is. Sending support on this journey of life.❤️🙏🏽🦋
We can often hold anger for others, I think, and we want justice for others sometimes far more than for ourselves. It’s easier to see others as deserving of it, maybe. In any case, I think anytime we can lift burdens from our heart, it’s a good idea to do it. The tricky part is noticing when we’re ready. Having time to have these realizations is a gift.
Allison, thanks for responding. I was worried I was too harsh. But what you say makes a lot of sense. My ex became abusive to me and my son after getting MS, and my friends/parents still can’t forgive him.. but I have had to—in order to keep my heart open. A closed heart just feels like death. *Really* appreciate you sharing this journey with us. 💜💜