Finding lightness

I was talking to H. this morning about lightness — about how I’m starting to realize I need to learn how to allow more of it into my life. I need strategy to outsmart the heaviness that wants to hang around me — strategy like (1) don’t stay on one memory too long (good or bad), (2) keep it moving and airy and free, (3) don’t be bound by a mind full of the past, laugh and let go into what is in front of me. I always have the freedom to acknowledge whatever I feel, but I am in the process of making an agreement with myself to never linger on what brings me pain and to purposefully concentrate on something else, something positive, something I love.

So far, it’s working. So far, June the month of JOY, is going pretty well. And I think the shift is coming with learning how to treat each day like it’s a practice. To remind myself each day is kind of a fun experiment and I’m just here playing around and taking notes. I don’t have to do anything perfectly. I’ve gotten to where I’m starting to feel and then n o t i c e + o b s e r v e + n a m e tension building up in me and that’s when I know I need to stop and care for myself — when the critical voice rises up, when I start to see what’s wrong with everything, when I speak harshly to myself — that’s when I know I’m spiraling.

Get your mind off of it and on something else, I say.

Time to do some breathing and adjusting, take it to the mat, I whisper to myself.

Time to say what you need to say calmly, respectfully, and clearly, I remind my sassy ass that was so well trained in sarcasm and derogation.

Does this really matter? I remind my inner nitpicker.

I step outside. I sit in the swing. I make a cup of tea. I go lie down a minute (can you imagine!). I pick up a paintbrush. I read — for pleasure.

What I don’t do, is d w e l l. I’m practicing letting everything just flow through me — in, out, in, out, in, out.

Feels better.

It’s interesting to make change. It’s a little scary but it’s fun when it’s in this direction. I feel like I’m moving past something I’ve needed to move past in a big way for a long time. I feel like I’m starting to get myself into the center of my life. I’m grateful for the events that have spurred my desire for personal growth, my desire to really be here, to notice it all and dig in and taste it, because it’s going to be over soon. And by that, I mean that when it’s my time to go, I will probably be surprised and feel like I’d like a little bit more. But I’m learning to trust that I will be given just the right amount. Whatever that is, I’m grateful I’m here now. I’m grateful you are too.

I hope the rest of your week is filled with light. Even if we’re just practicing, we’re still doing it.

Peace, love.

Allison

PS. I am listening to a podcast called UnF*ck Your Brain at the moment. Loving it.

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