I got my yearly mammogram yesterday. A routine thing, yes, but also a loaded thing. Breast cancer surrounds me — this friend is undergoing treatment for it, that one was just diagnosed, an acquaintance is battling it for the second time, someone dear to me died from it this year, my grandmother had it, my mother might’ve developed it but I don’t know — it’s scary, to say the least, to think about going in year after year only to ask beforehand, “Is this going to be the one?” I have always had a sense of foreboding about it, as if my breasts are ticking time bombs. Since I became a mother that sense has only increased. As someone who lost her mother at an early age, I can become fixated on the idea that I will leave my son too early, so much so that I wrote a piece about it called “The Breath,” for my
Of course, I understand your fear and trepidation about sickness and mortality. If this helps at all, unless your grandmother had breast cancer at a young age, it’s unlikely that it was hereditary. I hope this eases your mind a bit. Nonetheless, it’s important to get yearly mammograms and the reminder is appreciated. Self-care at every level is an act of kindness and mindfulness.
My mom had it. My sister is undergoing treatment now. It’s another horrible curse upon women that is inexplicable. BUT my cousin, HE had it, too. That’s something many men don’t think about. Don’t know about. Men get breast cancer, too. I have three other friends with various cancers right now, let alone the ones I’ve already lost plus the family members. It’s so damn pervasive in all of our lives.
Beyond that, AM, for my own reasons I suffer these horrific forebodings and never took care of myself until my daughter was born. Every time I go for a test, I’m terrified of the results so much so that I delay, delay, delay. I have a scan pending that I haven’t done and a cardiologist appointment the end of October.
I am, what they call hyper-vigilant when it comes to my child and my dogs. Your fears are normal without even suffering the horrifying loss of your Mama. But that’s where the “Hyper” comes in, right? That’s what puts you into Ultra Mama mode. For me, now that my daughter doesn’t seem to need me like she did, I wonder why I’m even here, anymore. Why am I being spared? I’m starting to slip and slide down the slope the wrong way and I’m unable to stop it. “Slippin’ and slidin’ and feelin’ low.”
There’s just been too much sadness and loss these last two years.
This post is so poignantly written, capturing the raw, intangible emotions of parenting a child with needs that will extend beyond our lifespans. Thank you for giving this particularly complex aspect of care such a clear voice.
I put off my mammogram last year. Next week I am scheduled to have one. Although breast cancer isn't in my family, I sometimes worry that all of the many pesticides I was exposed to as a child growing up in a farming community in the country's top ag county will affect my health. I remember crop dusting planes spraying fields next to my elementary school as we played on the playground. And that same elementary school tested positive in the 80s for DBCP, a pesticide banned in the 60s. All I can do is take a deep breath and let my worries go. I'll do that every time they come back.
I too as a single father with no extended family worry myself to death about what will happen to my 32 yr old daughter when i am unable to care for her any longer or when life gives me up. I Totaly sympathise and understand your fears. They are constantly present and a great worry and emotional drain. I love her so dearly. God bless you
I love how and what you say… I lost my mother several times in my life beginning at age 6 until I finally lost her at 21. What you say is completely true about losing one’s anchor. I’ve developed my own grounding, but I think it isn’t as natural as one’s mother. And for my kids…absolutely! I have prepared legal scenarios in each stage of life. They are now adults. I am sorry about your family’s legacy around breast cancer…that must be very frightening. Ten years ago July I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had no family history, no genetic mutations. I think the decades of ‘filtering family toxicity’ wore those part out. That was a scary time and a healing time. It taught me to include myself in my circle of those I love….Healthier than I have been now.
Of course, I understand your fear and trepidation about sickness and mortality. If this helps at all, unless your grandmother had breast cancer at a young age, it’s unlikely that it was hereditary. I hope this eases your mind a bit. Nonetheless, it’s important to get yearly mammograms and the reminder is appreciated. Self-care at every level is an act of kindness and mindfulness.
My mom had it. My sister is undergoing treatment now. It’s another horrible curse upon women that is inexplicable. BUT my cousin, HE had it, too. That’s something many men don’t think about. Don’t know about. Men get breast cancer, too. I have three other friends with various cancers right now, let alone the ones I’ve already lost plus the family members. It’s so damn pervasive in all of our lives.
Beyond that, AM, for my own reasons I suffer these horrific forebodings and never took care of myself until my daughter was born. Every time I go for a test, I’m terrified of the results so much so that I delay, delay, delay. I have a scan pending that I haven’t done and a cardiologist appointment the end of October.
I am, what they call hyper-vigilant when it comes to my child and my dogs. Your fears are normal without even suffering the horrifying loss of your Mama. But that’s where the “Hyper” comes in, right? That’s what puts you into Ultra Mama mode. For me, now that my daughter doesn’t seem to need me like she did, I wonder why I’m even here, anymore. Why am I being spared? I’m starting to slip and slide down the slope the wrong way and I’m unable to stop it. “Slippin’ and slidin’ and feelin’ low.”
There’s just been too much sadness and loss these last two years.
I pray your results are good. JB
So we’ll said! ❤️❤️❤️
Did you edit that last line? I liked it better the first way!
I love you. Thank for sharing. ❤
Such a wonderful way to put a very difficult situation
This post is so poignantly written, capturing the raw, intangible emotions of parenting a child with needs that will extend beyond our lifespans. Thank you for giving this particularly complex aspect of care such a clear voice.
I put off my mammogram last year. Next week I am scheduled to have one. Although breast cancer isn't in my family, I sometimes worry that all of the many pesticides I was exposed to as a child growing up in a farming community in the country's top ag county will affect my health. I remember crop dusting planes spraying fields next to my elementary school as we played on the playground. And that same elementary school tested positive in the 80s for DBCP, a pesticide banned in the 60s. All I can do is take a deep breath and let my worries go. I'll do that every time they come back.
Yeah, another good one MS Moorer.
I too as a single father with no extended family worry myself to death about what will happen to my 32 yr old daughter when i am unable to care for her any longer or when life gives me up. I Totaly sympathise and understand your fears. They are constantly present and a great worry and emotional drain. I love her so dearly. God bless you
For me, achieving the age she took her life and passing it was a miracle to me. I still silently mark each birthday past her ultimate year.
And yes: I do take the care I wish she’d given herself to live beyond her allotment (sometimes somewhat guiltily) for our son.
I love how and what you say… I lost my mother several times in my life beginning at age 6 until I finally lost her at 21. What you say is completely true about losing one’s anchor. I’ve developed my own grounding, but I think it isn’t as natural as one’s mother. And for my kids…absolutely! I have prepared legal scenarios in each stage of life. They are now adults. I am sorry about your family’s legacy around breast cancer…that must be very frightening. Ten years ago July I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had no family history, no genetic mutations. I think the decades of ‘filtering family toxicity’ wore those part out. That was a scary time and a healing time. It taught me to include myself in my circle of those I love….Healthier than I have been now.
Just listened/watched your 9/26/21 posting: Thank you & love to you & John Henry. Blessed be.