What’s it all about?

I was up before dawn this morning and went straight to my work table. That’s happened a few times this week — but I normally stop and sit in front of my altar, give the dogs their breakfast treats, and start with my readings.

I was drawn to work by a song I stumbled on yesterday.

As I listened to what I’d recorded into my phone — mostly a melody and a hook — I began to write down some lines. They were infused with spiritual language, with nudges toward positivity and faith in the universe. As some of y’all know, most of my songs have veered toward darker themes and unhappier endings. I find the shift interesting.

It’s been headed there for a while — maybe since Mary Gauthier helped me figure out what I was trying to do and needed to do with “Heal.” But I have to work hard not to be embarrassed about it, and that makes me sad.

I think there is a tendency among artists to downplay their art when it carries a tone of brightness. Some of us have a hard time considering that anything that sounds or looks like happiness can also be really good. There are exceptions, of ‘ course, George Harrison’s “All Things Must Pass,” for example, and of course there are countless of them. But the headier work, the work reflecting struggle, the miserable accounts — those are the works that are usually considered the deepest.

I’m starting to think this idea is utterly shallow, deeply cynical, and honestly, quite tired.

Because among all of the people I know, not one says they want to be dark and depressed.

No.

In fact, they’re struggling as hard as they can against it.

So it hit me this morning as I wrote these lines:

we never know what wonder waits

down the roads the brave take

unexpected honeymoon

every day’s the 21st of june

surrender to the pain and the love that’s ours to claim

on the ups and downs and round the bends

it will all be well

it will all be well

Who am I? Am I the same person who wrote “Set My Soul Free?”

Yes. I am. And when I think about it, I see that it’s all channeling. And I’m channeling what I need to communicate at the time — maybe that’s guided by what someone in the world needs, maybe that’s guided by what I need, maybe that’s guided by both of those things. All I know is that it is definitely guided, and I think it might be that I’m drawn to learn about things that need to be channeled somehow. What goes on inside of me becomes the work that I give away.

Art is only part of my purpose here. I don’t get to while away hours at a time puttering in my workroom most days. But I make things without thinking — the other day H. brought 7 pipe cleaners into my workroom and put them on the table. We began a conversation and during it I picked them up, evened the ends, twisted the end of one around the others, and made a little sculpture. I can’t not do it, so I know it’s in me, maybe so it can come out with some sort of information about what I find during all the processes of healing, which is, as I’ve said, what I think I’ve been trying to do all along. I needed some things to start to click, though.

And they’re gonna keep clicking, stop clicking, start clicking again — that’s life. All I know is, today I’m thinking about why we’re here at all — and all I know is, it isn’t to hurt each other. I think it’s to learn to do the opposite. There is so much suffering and oppression in the world that it hurts to acknowledge it. But there is also joy and forward motion toward a least a little bit of enlightenment.

We’re all idiots. We’re all angels.

We all follow. We all lead.

We all mess up. We all do good.

And this question came to me: Why did I ever need to spend time in negativity? How did that honor the gift that I’ve been given of time on this planet? It didn’t. But I had a lot to learn to see that. I wasn’t ready, was deeply traumatized and hurt, and couldn’t handle the reality that I am an equal part of the universe, just as you are. My responsibility was overblown, my worth was low, my resentment was high, my boundaries were non-existent. Maybe I just wasn’t ready to really receive. I’m grateful to still be here, and to carry the intention that what I want to do with my 2nd 50 years is heal from the first.

I hope I’m lucky enough to live in good health long enough to see what might happen. I’d like to get there if it is my path.

I hope y’all have a terrific Thursday. I’m enjoying sharing this imperfect journey with y’all.

Lots of love,

Allison

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Here’s how the painting for John Henry turned out:

I got brave and tried some freehand tulips the other day.