Questions + Answers

Installment #6

Hi Substack friends. I hope you enjoy this question and answer series, which I hope to post weekly, on Fridays. It means the world to me to have you here, so thank you again for joining me, and thank you for providing these great questions.

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Thank you, Dee, for this interesting question.

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Hi Allison, thank you for sharing your life's work. You are an inspiration to me and many others. I both read and listened to Blood. While I appreciated hearing your story, in your own voice, I wonder if that was more difficult for you to do and then listen to the playback? Writing is one kind of catharsis, but to speak it and hear it internally seems like it would be more heart wrenching and heart rending. With that in mind are you going to narrate I Dream He Talks To Me?

Dear Dee,

It’s so nice to hear from you. I remember meeting you at the “Blood,” show at Cedar Street Social Club in Mobile almost two years ago. So much has happened in the world since then — in some ways we are changed, and in some ways we are not. I do find that our desire to communicate is as strong as ever.

I think that I’m able to write things down that I can’t say out loud. Rather, I don’t even know I need to say some things until I write them down. I think that’s why I write — to drill down until I find the truth about what I feel. You can’t always find it when you’re talking about it.

So it’s an interesting thing, for me to read what I write out loud. It’s a practice that’s valuable to me during the writing process — it’s important to hear how things land when they’re spoken, not just how they land when you hear them in your mind, because it’s ultimately offered up to you, the reader. But reading something out loud in my house isn’t the same as speaking it into a microphone and knowing YOU will hear it. It does feel intimate, like the listener can access a part of me that they wouldn’t be able to any other way. The whole process — from the ideas to the commitment of them to the page to making it available for the world to read and then even listen to me say it all — has unarmored me. For better or worse, the validation I received when “Blood,” was released — not in a praise way but in a “I see you and hear you,” way — released me from a lot of the trauma that came with the original experience. I guess it’s like the old adage: “I don’t need to be right, I just need to have a voice.”

That’s interesting too — because those of us who come from troubled backgrounds know that the first and golden rule is to never say a word to anyone about any of it. Speaking out loud some of the things I said about my parents in “Blood,” was hard. I love them and they belong to me. But I decided when I let that book get out into the world that I’d ultimately chosen myself over them, that it was more important to me to say my peace and put it to rest as best I could than to perpetuate any more sickness by not speaking out loud something that could help someone else. By not speaking out loud something I needed to set right.

And that brings me to I Dream He Talks To Me. Funnily enough, I just this morning confirmed the studio dates to record the audiobook. That’ll happen in a few weeks. I don’t know how I’ll do. I flew through the first one, apparently — the producer told me I’d done it very quickly. I told her I went in familiar with the material. And that’s how I feel about this one too, but it may take me much longer to record it as I’m more likely to start blubbering when I talk about my son than anything else. It might not be as easy as I think it will be, we’ll see, but what I’m sure of is that I have the highest hope that John Henry’s and my story, and the story of our family will resonate with other people. At the end of the day it isn’t even about autism as much as it is acceptance and struggle and determination and heart and how incredible human beings are no matter their difficulties or ease. I want to help spread the love that my son has given me and the love that he has encouraged, even challenged, me to find in myself.

At the end of the day it’s never mattered how hard something was, only how badly I wanted to do it.

Y’all have a great weekend.

AM

23 July 2021

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