My Sunday List
August 04, 2024 | The New Moon
Words
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. —C.S. Lewis
Music
The car I rented in Colorado had XM radio and I’m so happy to announce that I’ve fallen in love with Chris Stapleton’s station. It’s right up my alley. And goodness gracious he’s talented. I could listen to him all day. And Morgane, of course, who is so vital to his sound and style. We spent the week listening to it whenever we drove somewhere. Did I tell y’all Sis is going to open for him in London October 24? I’m elated for her. I might even get to go sing with her. Stay tuned.
I watched
I had good intentions. I planned to watch at least a few movies while we were out west. Alas, my time slipped away. Maybe I’ll make it to something tasty this evening. Not sure what I’m in the mood for but fashion documentaries are usually always a win. Speaking of fashion documentaries — this film about Azzedine Alaïa is something I keep bookmarked on my browser. I can’t recall when I first discovered it, but I’ve always deeply appreciated its elegance and the storyteller’s prowess. Alaïa is a fashion deity — his construction is unparalleled. I did watch it while I was away — it’s only twenty-five minutes long — and I used it as a brain and soul brush after watching Grump meltdown at the Black Journalists conference. It’s one of my very favorite things and never fails to lift my spirits and my vibration, for beauty is hope brought to fruition, isn’t it? Enjoy.
Book
I’m almost finished with The Second Mountain by David Brooks and it has immensely affected me. It has allowed me to see the second half of my life in a different way — I think I’m going to become even busier. I feel called to deeper work in some way. I’ll say this — I’ve been wondering who was going to do something about the fact that there are no great situations for autistic individuals after they age out of the school system. At least not in the state of Tennessee. I was thinking about it the other day after camp drop off, and I just stared at my hands. My own hands. It hit me like a ton of bricks that the who is going to do something about this might be me. Stay tuned on that too. I’m only one Mama. But there are many like me who share my concerns. I’m being reshaped in some ways by Brooks’s work. I’m late to it I know, but there’ a reason for that too. The teacher shows up when the student is ready.
Favorite moments
Visiting the Aspen Art Museum.
a piece from In the House of the Trembling Eye (an exhibition staged by Allison Katz) Driving to Aspen with my sister, and watching her joyously buy an incredible hat that she’ll wear for the rest of her life.
Hearing about John Henry excitedly getting to the top of the climbing course in record time and seeing him get the Musical Mountain Goat award at the end of the week.
Anytime I was able to be perfectly present.
What I’m wearing
I wore vacation clothes this week. I spent a good portion of my time by the swimming pool, which felt so nice. It was very hot during the day, but it cooled by sundown and the mornings were nicest of all — each day when we left for camp drop off the temps were in the low 60s. So that meant layers, mostly in the form of a white hoodie I bought in the men’s department at Nordstrom while I was picking up a few things for John Henry a few weeks ago.
I question my need to almost always look turned out sometimes — I wonder why it’s so important to me. The answer is probably tucked somewhere between always attempting to be beyond criticism because I’m so insecure and vanity and also a genuine love for clothes and all things aesthetic and a mind that is often consumed by a dance with creativity in all that I do and well, I guess it’s true:
The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
What I’m cooking eating
Ice cream. Iced coffee. It’s too hot to eat in August.
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Favorite Photo I Took This Week
I’m grateful for
Every single day I get to be on this planet and learn things.
A deepening spiritual relationship with the universe.
Increasing calm in my body, mind, heart, and soul.
High vibrational practices, especially now in this monumental astrological time. I’m thinking about the moon and everything it and the sun are doing in the month of August.
What I made
This morning I made a manifestation list. Today is the first day of the new moon, and on August 8, the Lion’s Gate Portal opens — learn more about that here — especially about how long this particular astrological occurrence has held meaning. The Egyptians were all about the sun. I guess I’m all about it all.
Something wonderful I noticed
I’m calling myself out in a real way. I’m coming to terms with how much damage my defense mechanisms have caused in some of my relationships, particularly my romantic ones. I’m going to the mat about it and might be there for a long while because I’m going to have to wrestle it all down to the ground. It’s a tough job to let go of the only safety you’ve ever thought you had — in my case, that was my toughness and get shit done by myselfness. The transformation I seek, however, can only come through surrendering to the utter powerlessness of my existence — I’m an insignificant blip. We are all blips. I think I’ve thought that I had to have something to do with the outcomes of things because I’ve considered the stakes of everything to be so high, so urgent. I don’t want to get hurt again and if I do, I’m not sure I’ll live through it. Well, I’ve finally realized that’s a load of crap because I will. I’ll get hurt over and over because I will continue to learn how to authentically put my heart on the line for love, and I’ll do that and live until I die. When I die it will be my time. What I do with my life between now and then is up to me, and my attitude is mine to create. If you read last week’s piece on judgment, you’ll already know I’m trying to love myself through actually seeing myself and my bad habits (and my good ones, don’t worry) with self-love and accountability and clarity. I’m being shown what I need to see and I’m not nearly done yet.
Changes don’t come without pain. That’s okay. Now that is what I need to be using my toughness for — getting through the growing pains.
What brought me joy
Sunshine. Reading. Mountains. Art. Friends. My family. My dogs.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you put in me. Thank you for the blessing of this experience. Please give me the strength to turn all things over to you and the faith to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me, and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration each day. With deep gratitude I pray.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I walk through the world with an open heart and without judgment.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with kindness and acceptance.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life and not take inconveniences personally.
May I think before I speak.
May I think more than I speak.
May I be grateful.
May I allow myself to trust.
May I have CLARITY.
May I be patient.
May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.
May I remember it isn’t about me.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at a time.
Something I’m thinking about
Honesty. And the damage dishonesty does. It often unravels much more than one intends it to.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
Lighting my incense and candles. Writing what comes to my mind in longhand. Butterfly hugs. Slowing down. Slowing down some more. Breathing. Imagining a golden thread pulling the top of my head up to the heavens. Laughing about things I would’ve cried about six months ago. Smiling. Seeking contentment.
Best Word or Term
Sis and I were laughing about this one the other day: Eyemone. I guess that’s how you would spell it. Or I’mmone. The I and the O are both long.
It means “I’m going to.”
Hold on — I’mmone be over there directly.
Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That we all have a glorious and fulfilling week.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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The lack of services for people on the spectrum is only complicated by the incredible range the spectrum covers. My situation is completely different from your son's. I went from being in a learning disability classroom to, a month after I left it, being in the gifted program. In some of my classes, my teachers had to ignore my test scores to set the curve, because my scores were that much higher than anyone's. (And I know I have the verbal SAT record for my district, because I got a perfect score.) But I had huge social problems -- which were complicated by the fact that my parents are both from Bizarro World, so they couldn't really tell me not to wear my Star Trek t-shirt or bring my Weird Al tapes. to the class Christmas party. The bullying was extreme, up to and including one incident that landed me in the ER with a broken nose and a concussion. And I fought back, which resulted in my getting detentions and suspensions, which wasn't something the school was used to dealing with when I came to students in the honors track. I was eventually pushed to graduate high school in 3 years, and that third year I spent mostly at the local university, as they just wanted to wash their hands of me. It didn't help that, by middle school, I was reading Philip Roth, and by the start of high school I was doing college-level work in philosophy. My teachers and the administration had no idea what to do with me. I have very little in the way of positive memories of my childhood: it was lonely, and it was often humiliating and brutal.
For all the brainpower I have, it's still a struggle to hold a job today. There wasn't anything around that would've helped me in high school, and there isn't anything to help me today. I hope that going to law school will allow me to learn a trade and that I can manage to hold down jobs after I transition into that career, but I have real worries that any of this is ever going to work out. (FWIW, my mentor is a lawyer, also autistic, and a Harvard grad, who works with families to help them get their children the services they need, and it's an area I'm interested in working in.)
Thank you, love the pictures, too. I'mmone try and let go of the past, and use my toughness to get through the changes. You know it ain't easy. Thanks, again.