My Sunday List
January 12, 2025
Words
Nobody says “Picasso, the male artist.” —Patti Smith
Music
Whatever feels like warmth—old school rhythm & blues, Merle Haggard, Django Reinhardt. I’m not ready to listen to anything that makes me feel like California right now, but I sure am thinking about the immeasurable musical contributions that have come from the Los Angeles area. In any genre, there’s nothing like west coast cool. It’s a vibe all its own—may that enigmatic spirit live on through the artists that carry it in them. The fires there are unfathomable.
I sat down and thought about this list this morning. I thought about what it has been for the past two years and what I want it to be now. As life changes, so does my vision for my life.
I wanted for so long to be a multi-hyphenate artist. I wanted to make music, tour, paint, write books, be a great wife, mother, sister, friend, stylist—and I tried like hell to fit all of that in. But as Dr. Angelou said, “When we know better, we do better.” I’ve been seriously thinking about my dabbling. The truth is, you can’t really be great at anything if you try to do everything. Of course, it isn’t like I’ve been running Swiss banks and painting masterpieces and winning the Nobel Prize. And therein lies the answer to my pondering.
I hinted at this last week when I wrote of cleaning out my art room, maybe hiding some of the supplies that are catching dust would allow me to feel less pulled by them. Because the thing is, if I can see them, I want to use them, and if I don’t make time for that, I feel guilty for a) having them and even having the space to house them, b) using my time for other pursuits.
One of the reasons we resist change is the discomfort that comes while we’re deeply in the process. There’s a space that expands just after we let go of something we’re used to in which we feel like newborn ponies—we’re alone and we don’t know how to take a step—but then we do and before we know it, we’re steady.
So I thought I’d just write today instead of giving my thoughts to you in categories. It might be less easy to digest, but I need space from that format while I think about how it might be changing. Don’t panic—I know y’all love the list and I’m not going to change it drastically. But I do feel like I want to refine it.
One of the first questions I had this morning was about intentions. About how as much thought and passion as we put into them, they are not what matters in the end. We are judged by what we do, not what we intend. I think that’s a painful lesson it takes us a long time to learn—besides, who among us can say we’re fully aware of our intentions? The subconscious say…
I think that’s another reason why I’m feeling more contemplative about what I say and do here—who am I serving? Do I have valuable information to share? I certainly want that to be the case, but perhaps my thoughts are more shallow than I’ve known.
The beginning of 2025 calls for a shift, an opportunity to streamline and leave behind what is no longer working or what is dead and gone by focusing on the essential. I’m beginning to see that my constant need for dabbling in so many areas of creativity might’ve been an inability to resist my own whims. For a long time, if I had an urge or an idea, I usually found a way to indulge it. I now see that I needed deeper artistic practices, not wider ones.
That realization could only come through hard won emotional sobriety. It is of the utmost importance that I keep that sobriety. I’m in a place where I’m less patient with my tendency to make emotionally-based decisions. Crossing over the hill into the second half of life has slowly brought me the awareness that I’m powerful enough to override my heart with my head and my backbone, and that’s a position of strength I can’t say I’ve ever allowed myself to stand in, but whoa, it feels good. It allows me to choose what is best instead of what’s least painful. I’ve finally learned I won’t be overwhelmed by my emotions. I can handle them. I can survive them. I can let them pass like the fleeting things they are and pay attention to what I know is true. Don’t get me wrong—what I feel and what is true are sometimes the same things—but it’s time I chiseled my powers of discernment.
For me, that’s what boundaries are really for. They’re to help me keep my head. To drill down to the bottom of that—they function to help me live the highest quality of life that I can. Right now, that means titanium personal boundaries. Essentials? Going to bed on time, getting up on time, honoring my commitment to my yoga practice, eating a healthy diet, reserving time for myself, also not letting friendships fall dormant or tasks pile up around the house. Essentially, it’s making time for what’s most important, tending to the things that I’ve decided are non-negotiable.
What is the line between happily juggling and trying to do too much? I’m asking myself that question today. I haven’t always known—but I see that as a lack of boundaries too. I haven’t even given myself space to enjoy my life because I filled it up with so much to do—trying to justify my existence with every breath—not taking into account that part of being a successful human being is possessing the ability to rest. To deny it is to deny a crucial part of the spirit.
I have to let some of my old self go. It’s time to allow for play and discovery and deciding which of my passions actually feels enjoyable, not which ones serve to further prove my worth, even to myself. I am enough even when I don’t do too much. There’s such a thing as giving yourself anxiety with your own expectations of yourself.
I’m not leaving here. No, not at all. But I’m looking for something deeper, something less wide ranging than what the Sunday list has been. I want the process to have more space in it so it remains enjoyable to me, and so it remains something you love and get something from.
So I’m going to think about how to refine it. Maybe fewer categories more deeply explored. We’ll see what happens.
The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
Why Don’t You…
(apologies to Ms. Vreeland, of course).
wear red socks?
count your blessings?
ask your partner a question they’re not expecting?
clean out your closet?
Another reason for my contemplative state today is the re-emergence of Scout. She’s back and whispering in my ear. I don’t know what it means yet, but I’ll have to deal with it soon.
Favorite photos of the week
What brought me joy
I’ve been low key obsessed with this short film since I discovered it and I don’t remember when that was.
It isn’t only the beauty that attracts me to this piece. It’s the singularity of vision, dedication to craft, the inability to accept less than what is possible. It feels like a manifesto to the pursuit of excellence.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you give me every day. Thank you for the blessing of my son, my sister, my family both biological and chosen. Thank you for the blessing of this experience, even when it seems like the hard times are too hard and too many. I know I must walk through periods of difficulty in order to learn what I need to learn until I transmute the lessons and see that every encounter with my woundedness is an opportunity to address it, not to try to numb the pain.
Humble me and lift me out of my pit. Send me the tests I need to remind me to choose the path that leads my soul home and to turn to you with every breath. Please strengthen my faith so I might hand all matters over to you and the wisdom to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Remind me my choices determine my experiences and my lessons can come through positive ones rather than the opposite.
Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me to be open to change every day as you remind me it is the only constant besides you. Allow me to repair what is broken. Allow me awareness of my dissociative tendencies and keep me present so I may make choices that reflect the life I desire. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration each day and spread truth and beauty wherever I go. May I learn how to truly forgive. With deep gratitude I pray that your will, and not mine, shall be done.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I walk through the world with an open heart and without judgment.
May I be curious and ask questions before I decide.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I be humble and see myself clearly so I may accept my limitations while working to lovingly decrease them. May my progress be reflected through my actions, seen and unseen.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with the kindness and acceptance I desire for myself.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life and not take inconveniences personally.
May I think before I speak.
May I think MORE than I speak.
May I first do no harm.
May I be grateful for what I have and may I not seek more for my selfish gain.
May I allow myself to trust but may I also always use my discernment.
May I have CLARITY and find a way to be CALM about it.
May I be patient.
May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.
May I remember it isn’t about me.
May I do good work.
May I have optimism and positive thoughts.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at a time.
Georgia O’Keeffe, 1956, by Yousef Karsh
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That we all have a glorious and fulfilling week.
That everyone who reads this will feel peace in at least some small way.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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I enjoy your writing and insights you share each week….heartwarming, authentic and inspiring
Thank you!
Even with your dabbling, you're more of a pro than a dilettante. I always learn something from your writings each week. There's no substitute for your Substack!