My Sunday List
February 4, 2024
Words
Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen. —Brene Brown, from The Midlife Unraveling
Song
I’ve always loved On the Nature of Daylight by Max Richter. Like all pieces of music I feel connected to, it informs me about my emotional terrain and insists I notice certain things I might otherwise be able to push away. So I’m going to guide y’all to it — maybe it will do the same for you.
I watched
Capote vs The Swans.
As expected, the costume design is exquisite. In fact, the whole production looks fantastic. Ryan Murphy is so good at bringing his obsessions to life. The performances are great so far — what might otherwise border on melodrama is fitting for these characters and this story. What a miserable bunch. I almost feel bad for watching and enjoying what befell real people, but not quite badly enough to turn away.
Book
I know some of y’all are reading this Mark Nepo book along with me and I can’t tell you what that means. I’m blown away by your trust in me. I’m still deeply in it.
Here’s my latest favorite passage: Perhaps the divine nature of things is disclosed to us through our humanity, moment by feeling moment, through the ongoing presence of the mystery we wake in and our intermittent reception of it. We could say that experience is the way God keeps breaking our trance so we might have another chance to be enfolded in the Whole. Our challenge is not to get stuck in between, but to make it through; not to dwell on how the world keeps tearing us apart, but to endure this holy process deeply enough that we are rearranged and imbued by life itself as we are put back together. All of which is happening to you and me as I reach for you through these words.
Idea
Individualism within relationship but also voluntarily committing to what that relationship’s agreement is. No one will ever feel good about a bond they’re afraid they’ll break if they don’t comply to rules that don’t suit them, or that they may not even know about. If we communicate honestly, there’s much less room for error on both sides of the street, and much more room for freedom.
What I’m wearing
Variations on my usual theme. At the moment, I’m on a plane sitting next to my sister, who I accompanied to Los Angeles for a Grammy thing she did, just because. The thing was presenting a Lifetime Achievement Award to the late, great Tammy Wynette. There are so many Grammys and several ceremonies that aren’t the big one everyone watches. Anyhow, right now I’m wearing white Levi’s 501s, a white Hanes short-sleeved tee, a black cashmere crewneck, one of most favorite scarves (a gift from my sweet husband), and Sabah Baba slides in leopard. The most fortunate accident (my favorite purchase of 2023, hands down, the kimono sweater) is draped over my shoulders. Maximum coziness for a long flight.
My sister dragged me onto the carpet yesterday so I ended up being photographed in what I wore to be her date — which was a several years old, long, grass green sheath I paired with my trusty suede trench and brown lizard cowboy boots. And Sister looked fantastic in beaded loungers, a Revival Motorcycles tee, classic black blazer, and very sexy stilettos.
What I’m cooking
I made a very easy, quick, and delicious recipe from — you guessed it — NYTimes cooking. Behold the Cheesy Green Chile Bean Bake.
Favorite Photo I Took This Week
This guy was hanging out in the house. I put him on a succulent. Look at his colors! Another to do on the painting list.
Where I went
The recording studio. My studio/workroom at home. Therapy. Los Angeles.
What I did
I worked. I made music. I painted, I sketched. I mothered, I wifed, I sistered, I friended. I homebodied — which means I cleaned, did laundry, organized, shampooed carpets, rearranged furniture. I stayed up late most days and got up early every day. I am not anxious, but feel a sense of urgency inside me to make some improvements this year. In all areas. In my intentions, my actions, my speech, my surroundings, my baseline of knowledge, and what I bring from inside me out into the world. Time to Level Up. Is anyone with me?
What I made
Progress in achieving a state of presence I can rely on and memorizing the mantra that goes with that. One thing I’m working on remembering to ask myself when I think I might want to be judgmental or critical of someone or something else is: but what are you doing, Allison? How can you concentrate on you and take care of yourself in this situation? You’ve got more than enough to work on — stay on subject.
Something wonderful I noticed
I’m a grown woman and can act accordingly 100 percent of the time. That doesn’t mean no fun. In fact, it means more fun. There’s nothing like having a ball within the confines of what I know is right for me. That’s real control.
What brought me joy
Dogs.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for giving me the strength to let go of everything I cannot control, which is everything outside of myself.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present before I am concerned with being anything else.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I meet others with kindness and acceptance and still keep my boundaries.
May I feel confident enough in those boundaries to be flexible in my actions.
May I use my words for good.
May I be grateful.
May I trust.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly.
Something I’m thinking about
Two things.
Giving up cursing. I know that’s a shocker coming from me — I’m a world class curser and have enjoyed it for so very long. I can sometimes slide a curse into a sentence that hits a pressure release valve somewhere in me and it feels so good when I have no other outlet for frustration or another negative emotion. But I no longer like the way ugly words sound coming out of my mouth. That realization tells me I’m not living up to my standards. So — I’m going to try. I’m giving it up for lent first.
Getting caught trying. Being brave enough to say I want to do something and making an attempt, no matter what it is. Fortune favors the bold.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
Captured by H. in mermaid pose.
Best Word or Term
Adultescent: an adult whose activities and interests are typically associated with youth culture.
⬆️ Finally, I discover there’s a term for this condition.
Wishes
That I recognize every opportunity to feel joy, and that I take each one.
That my fellow creatures do that too.
That you all are content and well.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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Oh Allison I've said this so many times I look forward to your Sunday list ♥
Allison: I saw the pictures from the Grammy event. You looked great. Your date looked great as well if perhaps not quite jiggy with the idea of the obligatory photo stop on "The Red Carpet". Please, I plead please don't stop cursing. You'd be miserable. There are many situations where cursing is the correct AND spiritual response. I love you regardless