My Sunday List

October 01, 2023

Quote

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. —John Milton, Paradise Lost

Song

Starting Over by Chris Stapleton. My opinion is that Stapleton is just about the best artist making popular music these days. No explanation needed, I don’t think. But I want to feature this song today because it was co-written with the peerless Mike Henderson, who left the earth just over a week ago. We’re going to miss him in Nashville. Lots of love to his family.

I watched

So — I got stuck in NYC again this weekend. It came a flood, y’all. When I flew up on Friday morning, my plan was to get back on a plane that afternoon with John Henry so he could spend a long weekend at home in Tennessee, but no luck. LaGuardia Terminal A flooded and all flights were cancelled. I decided to just stay put until today and not put either of us through the stress of moving around. But I didn’t have anything with me but what was in my handbag — my wallet, my phone, my iPad, several lip glosses of course, an eyelash curler, some Dramamine, my evening medicine (I did at least think that far in advance and even expected a delay, though not a whole weekend!) my seeing glasses, two pairs of readers (yep - sometimes a 2.0 and sometimes a 2.25) a notebook, a pencil, and a the Ian McEwan book I’m reading. Yes, my handbag is sizable. I gathered the other non-negotiable overnight essentials and otherwise made do with what I had on my back, and borrowed a two fresh t-shirts from my son, one of which I’m wearing now as I sit, yet again, in LaGuardia’s Terminal B.

That’s all to say I had little to do yesterday because it rained all day, and I watched three episodes of The Real Housewives of New York City.

Does anyone have a brain brush they can send me? I imagine sticking one in my ear and getting ALLLLLLLLL of that trash out. I decided to watch because I wanted to see how Jenna Lyons, who I think well of, was faring in the cesspool. I’d really like to know who talked her into being a part of such dreck.

She better get out of there and quick. I won’t be going back in. Remember when I said several weeks ago that I had tired of watching narratives that have nothing to do with me? I think I’ll go etch that in stone, try to forget those three hours I’ll never get back, and hope I can regenerate the brain cells that I voluntarily executed. How embarrassing.

Book

Lessons by Ian McEwan.

I’ve read a lot of McEwan. Not everything, but there’s almost an entire shelf in the library dedicated his books. This one, released last year, is so intriguing and I’m enjoying it, savoring it, reading it slowly, and letting it sink in.

This line shook me to my core:

A shapeless mass of weeks were piled behind her.

I keep re-reading it. And all I can think of is, I’m so grateful that my life hasn’t felt like that. I want to make sure it never does.

More McEwan. Less tee-vee.

Thing

I picked up this Kolo drawing notebook the other day and am really taken with it. The paper is so smooth and soothing to the touch. I haven’t tried the watercolor one yet, but will, as I am interested in collecting sketches and paintings in notebooks as well as on individual pieces of paper or canvas.

busy hands need paper and pencils

Favorite Photo I Took This Week

This was a week ago today. I was riding in the passenger seat while H. drove us to the Denver airport. I love the abstract nature of this image and how you can see the reflection of my hand in the window. It’s leading me to something — just like the McEwan line, I keep going back to it.

Prayer

Thank you, Great Spirit, for showing me what I need to see every single day. Please continue to give me the strength and endurance that I need to be who I want to be in this earthly realm.

Intention for the week to come

May I be present before I am concerned with being anything else. May I be supported by the universe to make the best decisions for my life and for my family from that present place. May I remember I can only achieve that presence when I allow myself to feel where I am first, before I try to figure out how others feel and then try to base my life and worth on them and what they do or do not do. May I remember to keep my mind on myself in the most humble way, may I remember that my relationship with myself is the most important one I have, and that I am autonomous, powerful, and loving.

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Something I’m thinking about

Whether making art has just as much to do with trying to ensure that the weeks behind me aren’t a shapeless mass…

as it does with wanting to do the work that calls me.

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Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha

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Habit

Rethinking habit.

I didn’t know how I’d emerge when I went into a bit of a cave of self-discovery about sixteen months ago. Turning fifty was a gift, but everything I’d heard and read about mid-life didn’t prepare me to receive it. Now that I’m here, I understand that preparation isn’t possible. The only way out is through. And for me, that means feeling every bit of what I’ve come up against.

What I’ve mostly come up against is the way I’ve treated myself. I developed so many defense mechanisms so early that I’ve experienced most of my life through the veil of them — always protecting myself — always denying, dissociating, and defending against being hurt. We develop habits because we think they (and this is sometimes true) keep us safe — and similarly, we develop defense mechanisms because we think they allow us to stay in relationships that aren’t safe.

It feels like pure magic to have begun learning how to make myself safe no matter what happens, no matter what others do, and no matter where I am. I and I alone am in charge of what I allow my brain to do. I don’t have to be a victim of negative thinking, I don’t have to live under shadows from the past, and I don’t have to accept any relationships that aren’t safe anymore.

Even though I know that now, my brain is, as my EMDR therapist says, my little helper. It goes out ahead and collects, sorts, and decides the verdict on everything so quickly! That habitual motion — that deciding — that’s the part that is changeable. That’s the habit I’m constantly re-thinking. These days I try to wait a little longer and allow myself to feel before I decide, before I react, before I speak.

Wishes

1. That I recognize every opportunity to feel joy, and that I take it.

2. That I am loving and available to my family and friends, make good art, keep myself clear of negative emotions and harmful stress, and stay open to what is on my path.

3. That I meet others with love and compassion, even when I know I’m dealing with their trauma and not the real them.

4. That I am able to gracefully sort the important from the unimportant and prioritize my life accordingly.

5. That you will forward this to one person and that person becomes a subscriber too.

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Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.

Lots of love,

Allison

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