My Sunday List
June 30, 2024
Words
Without awareness, you will be ruled by your subconscious beliefs. What that means is that you will be controlled by all that’s led you to be who you are today. Awareness allows you to understand yourself and the reason you react in certain ways. In other words, awareness gives you the key to being the leader of your life. You get to choose based on your awareness of what you want to change about the way you’ve been subconsciously living.
—Najwa Zebian, The Only Constant: A Guide to Embracing Change and Leading an Authentic Life
Music
There hasn’t been anything in particular playing because I’ve been doing a lot of reading, thinking, writing, and thinking some more, but I seem to always have something playing, if only in the background. Mostly jazz, some meditation music, some classical, some meant specifically for centering and calm. And of course, Harry Styles when we’re out in the backyard because both John Henry and I like Harry.
I watched
The Bear Season Three! I’ve been so excited about this season. The first episode gives more backstory on some of the key characters than was seen in the first two seasons, and they are brilliantly drawn. The acting is terrific. And there’s something I like so much about observing a haute cuisine preparation situation—cooking is an art and though yes, this is a television show, it teaches us a little bit about the cruel perfectionism that can exist in a commercial kitchen. I’ve heard about this restaurant in Copenhagen that the first episode features in a ghostly, dreamlike blur—the one where Carmie works for a while to learn how to start to become the best of the best. A bit of truth: a dear friend got food poisoning there so I’m not sure it’s worth all the hype. And I’m not sure it’s ever worth placing an herb on a plate with tweezers.
Book
This was one of those weeks when it seemed like I was covered in books. I’m deep in research at my position at the museum, and the way I do research is to surround myself with my materials and start to gather, sort, notate, and build a structure around the point. I look here, I look there. I flip through for words or ideas that catch my eye and let my mind do its thing of building another thought around it, of taking it to the place I think it goes next. I tend to reach for books on art often — doesn’t matter the discipline. I reference books on visual arts to get direction for a way of thinking about another art form. Writing on the art of dramatic performance is helpful too. I’m always looking for a way in that will allow for development of depth. That can be messy. But y’all can probably guess my piles are organized.
It was also one of those weeks at home. I have a few piles of books and research I’m doing there too. I’m taking a course called The Divine Exchange through The Center for Action and Contemplation (you know I admire Richard Rohr) and it makes me feel lit from within. I’ve dabbled in this kind of thing before—the metaphysical things that relate to the spiritual things—the supposition that God is not in the thing you see itself but in the particles that hold the thing you see together.
Think of that in terms of creatures… God is in every one of them. God is the energy. God is the life. God isn’t necessarily in the tail of the lizard, but God is in what makes it grow back
There’s also chanting work.
All shall be well
And all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well
be well
—(Julian of Norwich)
Favorite moments
Listening to some incredible bluegrass music at the Ryman Auditorium Thursday night.
Watching my sis’s new dog, Cleo, play with Winnie, who is about four times Cleo’s size. Cleo won’t quit. Winnie is patient until the bear paw comes down. I’ve taken to spraying them both with my mixture of essential oils that I keep around to refresh and inspire. It works for a minute then they go back to it. At least they smell better than without it.
Those moments when I dropped down into my center and felt what I was feeling, accepted it, honored it, and let it pass. That’s progress.
What I’m wearing
I actually wore heels twice this week. Felt right. I’ve been out of practice since 2020, when we all decided to ditch the uncomfortable things. I will suffer for a pretty shoe and I’ve always been willing to do so.
I once wrote this line “I’m a New Yorker, therefore I walk. I walk in heels, therefore I have not given up.”
What I’m cooking
It’s been a summer blur!
Favorite Photo I Took This Week
I love the third prohibited item the best. 🦶This is from the door at The Ryman Auditorium. I wonder if this rule applies to Todd Snider?
I’m grateful for
My incredible friends. I know most people probably don’t realize this, but I take it pretty hard that I don’t have much family. For whatever reason, I have a lot of shame about it—I’m sure the reasons aren’t hard to figure out—I’m an orphan, which carries with it a sizable stigma, my family was destroyed in a sick and violent way that I don’t love to talk about (more shame)—sometimes it’s just hard not to have a safety net or a person to call that you know will be there to catch you no matter what. I remember playing Letterman in 2000 and right before we went on, all the band called their families to tell them to watch. I didn’t have anyone to call. It struck me so hard and I’ve never forgotten it. Even though I know my parents see me so much better from where they are, and I feel closer to them in some ways than I ever did when they were here, it’s still hard to have had so little time with actual parents on the planet. It’s an unmooring that can never be undone. I have peace about it, but it still breaks my heart.
That’s all to say — my friends mean the world to me. And I’ve got some a-list, a-plus, badass women (and a few men) who love me the way I am. It’s a chosen family, and in some ways that’s even better than the one I always wished I had. I have and have always had friends who stand in as mamas to me. And I depend on them for it—that piece of advice I know I need to hear but don’t really want to—that stern look when I start talking my tired, old, worn out bullshit—they tell me the truth, and I accept it no matter how it comes out.
What I made
Sentences.
Something wonderful I noticed
Nighttime can sometimes be scary. Morning makes everything feel better. And I guess what I noticed by noticing that is that everything in life is a cycle. It’s constant and never-ending. Like a spirit.
What brought me joy
Green grapes.
Music, music, and more music.
Reading, reading, and more reading.
Gardening. Watering. Pruning. Harvesting herbs.
Knowing that I alone control my outlook. That’s freedom.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you put in me. Thank you for the blessing of this experience. Please give me the strength to turn all things over to you and the faith to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Allow me to release what is not meant for me, and to hold tightly to what is. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration. With deep gratitude I pray.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with kindness and acceptance.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life.
May I think before I speak.
May I think more than I speak.
May I be grateful.
May I allow myself to trust.
May I have CLARITY.
May I be patient.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at the time.
Something I’m thinking about
Liminal Space.
The place in between.
The idea of it scares me—the notion of being nowhere—not here, not there—but in between. But the reality of it soothes me—the notion of choice—the notion of a place where it’s okay not to know—the safety of being in between things with no commitment to live up to at that moment.
I can’t live there. But I guess it’s okay to spend time there, listening to the heart, allowing the mind in too, feeling what’s running through the body.
Maybe liminal is another word for a period of discernment.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
5:15 wake-up. Coffee. Read a little. Prayers. Yoga. Prayers. Prayers. Prayers.
Best Word or Term
Sialoquent: the action of spitting while talking.
Since we’ve all been on the receiving end of this, I’ll let you make up your own sentences.
Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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Two things that really hit home for me today- Words at the beginning & May I think before I speak. I actually told myself today before you react & say something take a deep breath and think about it for a while ❤️. I have learned that as I have gotten older.
Thank you!
I very much enjoy and appreciate your writing. Much content of thought and feeling with a hearty chuckle here and there; that's a spiffy word of the week for such a spitty description. Mostly the Sunday words provide connection to a world that sometimes seems overwhelming. In slowing down to gather the thoughts offered, the sum leaves me feeling hopeful and I want to skip some. Thank you.