My Sunday List

July 7, 2024

If you are new to The Autotelic, welcome. It means the world to me that you are here.

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Words

There’s a difference between doing something in pursuit of the life you want to live and doing something to feel good about yourself. When you do the former, you lead. You choose. You live. When you do the latter, you follow others’ rules for what makes you good enough. You are chosen for. And you live someone else’s plan for you.

and

Does this align with the kind of life I know I want to live? If it doesn’t, then I shouldn’t move forward with that action.

—Najwa Zebian, The Only Constant: A Guide to Embracing Change and Leading an Authentic Life

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Music

This is the last song I put on my liked songs playlist on Spotify. Feels good. Like a hot summer night.

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I watched

I finished The Bear Season Three. I was enthralled when I watched the first episodes — panic attacks and all (the arguing scenes make me feel like I’m going to faint) — but then I began to notice what everyone was saying about it — the navel gazing.

I’m one to talk. I’ve gazed at my own for what probably adds up to be years, which is embarrassing. But youth is self-obsessed. It takes a long time to get over yourself — maybe that’s why our bodies age the way they do — we have to eventually fall out of love with our own reflections if we want to show up authentically. Aging humbles us. It allows us to see our unimportance and wakes us up to the idea that there are so many more interesting things to think about than our own little selves.

That was a dogleg.

Even with all of that said, I like this show. It has heart. I’d watch every season again.

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Book

This week was covered in books and research just like last week — some work, some personal. I have a few different books going, and I’m also reading through the transcripts of the course I mentioned last week — The Divine Exchange. There are so many beautiful ideas in this work, and they challenge me to dig deep and push against the limits of my understanding. I was brought up in south Alabama, and our culture was one that was wrapped in Christianity — particularly of the Baptist and Methodist types. One of the things I appreciate so much about the Center for Action and Contemplation is their mission to explore and expand the ethos of Jesus Christ and how truly radical he really was.

Here’s an example:

So, for Jesus, the world was just suffused with the glory of divine tenderness and providence. The reason that he was so implacably opposed to hoarding is because that’s the mechanism by which we dupe ourselves. That whenever we go into any kind of brace position—clinging, defending, self-justifying, insisting—any of those actions immediately make you essentially spiritually blind. They cut you off from the whole and you can no longer see the abundance that’s flowing right there for all to behold, because fear, which is what all these motions come down to, immediately clouds the eye of the heart. So you can’t see.

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Favorite moments

• Deciding to leave all social media platforms except Substack.

• Reading for a few hours this morning with the back door open (there was a slight breeze that felt incredible) and listening to the birds sing. It felt like peace.

• Feeling deep contentment. Even if there isn’t joy at a given moment, that’s okay. We can’t be joyful all the time. But I feel an ever-growing sense of stability, calm, and okay-ness. It’s taken me over five decades to allow myself to remember who I really am, what my soul desires and deserves, and to become unapologetic about my personal standards and how I want to live. I’m humbled by the gifts of resilience and courage.

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What I’m wearing

This is an olive green suit by Theory that I bought on sale not too long ago. It’s so easy to wear and it’s a light, slightly but not too crisp cotton. The pant is slim and cropped. The jacket has a slim shawl collar and I’m wearing it over a slub cotton muscle tee by JCrew.

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What I’m cooking

I have cooked very little and have mostly just been keeping up with feeding my fourteen-year-old son. But my sister stayed up late Friday night and made me a cake. She said she was cleaning out her cabinets and discovered she had a cake mix so what could she do but make it? Delicious. She’s the baker of our family — she paid closer attention to Nanny about it than I did. The last cake I tried to make was beyond pitiful. This one, however, is not pitiful in any way and she put macadamia nuts in it which should become a thing people do. Macadamia nut chocolate cake. Writing that down made me gain a pound.

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Favorite Photo I Took This Week

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I’m grateful for

Time to think.

Gardening — even though this time of year is fraught and any hint of brown leaves causes worry — it is the great metaphor for life, as is nature as a whole, and I’m grateful for what it teaches me.

The ability to change and grow. It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.

My home, my family, my friends, my life.

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What I made

I spent a few hours in my studio Tuesday night. Since I began my position at The Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum, my free time has become condensed — I feel, in a way, like I did when John Henry was a baby, when I snuck creating into the corners of my existence — so I am sometimes stingy with that free time. What I do with it has become of vital importance. That’s all to say I am deeply aware of the place making art occupies in my life and how much I need it. I could survive without it, but I’m not sure for how long — a friend told me once that humans need art to survive and that characteristic is what separates us from the other mammals. I’m not sure that’s the truth of it, but I do know that when I visualize myself stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere, I’m drawing in the sand with a stick and humming a tune, praying a readable book will wash up on the shore.

Here’s the painting.

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Something wonderful I noticed

I’m becoming better at sitting still. Meditation is difficult but worth it. I have lost my fear of boredom and at this time, I actually seek it. My life has been very exciting for a very long time, don’t y’all think? I could do with a little less action for a while. Quiet and calm is so good and feels like peace and rest for my soul and spirit.

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What brought me joy

• My dogs.

• My home.

• My son.

• My sister.

• My friends.

• Music

• Reading

• Sunshine and rain, the acceptance that both are beautiful and both are non-negotiable.

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Prayer

Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you put in me. Thank you for the blessing of this experience. Please give me the strength to turn all things over to you and the faith to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me, and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration. With deep gratitude I pray.

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Intention for the week to come

May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.

May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.

May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with kindness and acceptance.

May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life.

May I think before I speak.

May I think more than I speak.

May I be grateful.

May I allow myself to trust.

May I have CLARITY.

May I be patient.

May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.

May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at the time.

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Something I’m thinking about

Well — I thought a lot about social media yesterday. During my reading time Saturday morning, the truth sat down on me and I realized that I’ve been making some choices that don’t go along with the life I want to live.

Scrolling on my phone has stolen my time, threatened my autonomy and my emotional health, given me tremendous anxiety, dumbed me down, and has provided me with the illusion of connection while actively blocking the real connections I so desired.

Connection without accountability is voyeurism in my opinion. I can no longer participate.

It’s a shallow experience. It gives us a smug sense of catching up with others or being in the know when we’re really just looking through an artificial glass at an artificial image and unfortunately, a lot of bluster, complaining, self-importance, virtue signaling, vanity, ego, pride, porn, lust, greed, bitterness, meanness, competition (with what? I might add) and just plain grossness. Bad writing is a bonus, as is mansplaining, womansplaining, strident opinions, and downright lying. All the while making us feel like we’ve eaten a glazed doughnut — it’s temporarily delicious but thirty minutes later you realize it wasn’t nourishing in any sense of the word. It just isn’t a good source for anything positive or any real information for me anymore. It never really was.

So I took the plunge and got out. I’ve always been afraid to — social media is where we sell ourselves to the world in whatever way we do. As a working artist, I had to — HAD TO — maintain my spot on the platforms so I could, with any hope, do that selling. One of the reasons I wanted to get a structured job working for another entity is so I could become a more private person.

Yesterday’s question to myself was: Does continuing to participate in something that makes huge withdrawals from my energy, brainpower, ability to think for myself, self-confidence, and sense of contentment line up with the life I’d like to live? The answer was no.

I want long form. I want in-person conversations or at least a voice on the other end of the line. I don’t want fake or cheap things, short updates, life hacks, or pseudo-psychology and self-help advice that only harms my individuality and sense of well-being.

There’s a bit of a feeling of amputation this morning — I don’t know anyone who doesn’t reach for their phone in the morning to “catch up” on all the happenings. But I’ll get over it. And I’ll seek out the people I want to keep up with, the people I want to spend time with, and take accountability for my interest and desire to connect in real life. And others can do the same with me. I think smartphones are genius tools that have the ability to make our lives easier and I’m grateful for the convenience they bring to my life. But I think they’re going to start causing real relationship ruptures - in fact, I know that they’re already responsible for the demise of many good things - self-control and discipline, for two. When they become objects we depend on for a hit of dopamine, they’re actually making tools out of us, like any addictive substance will do.

That said, to each her own.

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Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha

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Habit

I have a new obsession — handstand.

I’ve been practicing yoga for a long time. I learned several years ago that one of my weak spots is getting my feet over my head — I have always struggled with letting go of my hold on the world and myself so much that any inverted poses caused me major panic.

Then I decided to beat that fear.

I got a handstand helper stool and am now LOVING this pose. I’m not aligned yet, but I’ll get there. Y’all — be careful — standing on your hands will cause a great rush of endorphins, tone your core and your butt, and take your mind off of most other things. It also relieves tons of pressure from your joints. If this is how I’m going to stay young, I’m ready!

photo by Sis Moorer

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Best Word or Term

Mumpsimus: a view stubbornly clung to even after shown to be wrong; one holding such a view.

The mumpsimus continued to mispronounce the word even after he corrected her.

Further information on this beautiful word from Wikipedia: The term originates from an apocryphal story about a poorly educated Catholic priest saying Latin mass who, in reciting the postcommunion prayer Quod ore sumpsimus, Domine (meaning: 'What we have received in the mouth, Lord'), substitutes the non-word mumpsimus, perhaps as a mondegreen. After being made aware of his mistake, he nevertheless persisted with his erroneous version, whether from stubbornness, force of habit, or refusing to believe he was mistaken.

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Wishes

1. That we all are and will be well.

2. That we all are loved.

3. That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.

4. That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.

Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.

Peace. Love.

Allison

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