My Sunday List
August 11, 2024 | Retrograde is still retrograding.
Words
The greatest thing a human soul ever does in this world is to see something, and tell what it saw in a plain way. Hundreds of people can talk for one who can think, but thousands can think for one who can see.—John Ruskin
Music
This week I’ve sought out music with a high vibrational tone. Lots of female voices in authority, freedom, and celebration.
Having said that, I’ve been listening to a lot of George Jones at work. And I think I’ve watched THIS CLIP twenty-five times. This two minutes reminds me why he’s the greatest and always will be.
I watched
I watched, looked, listened, and learned at The Frist Art Museum on Friday. Rendezvous, the current Lee Alexander McQueen | Ann Ray exhibit is mind blowing. Anyone who knows me knows how much I appreciate haute couture techniques, and anyone who knows me well knows how much I appreciate artists who can envision whole worlds and bring them to fruition through their chosen form. Alexander McQueen created incredible worlds, and Ann Ray was there to document it all. Stunning.
Book
The Second Mountain by David Brooks has been a gift to me in this season.
Life had to beat me up a bit before I was tender enough to be touched. It had to break me a bit before I could be broken open. Suffering opened up the deepest sources of the self and exposed fresh soil for new growth.
Favorite moments
Waking up early this morning.
In observation of the Lion’s Gate Portal (8/8) and mercury retrograde, I’ve been writing manifestation lists and sleeping with them under my pillow. Why not?
I gave myself time to read some poetry.
What I’m wearing
The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
Poem
At A Bach Concert (by Adrienne Rich)
Coming by evening through the wintry city
We said that art is out of love with life.
Here we approach a love that is not pity.
This antique discipline, tenderly severe,
Renews belief in love yet masters feeling,
Asking of us a grace in what we bear.
Form is the ultimate gift that love can offer—
The vital union of necessity
With all that we desire, all that we suffer.
A too-compassionate art is half an art.
Only such proud restraining purity
Restores the else-betrayed, too-human heart.
Favorite Photo I Took This Week
I’m grateful for
The ability to be grateful for it all. Whatever is being swept out of my life is making room for what needs to come in.
Deepening self-awareness, trust, and faith.
Finally realizing I’m not in charge of any of this. I’m just along for the ride.
What I made
I scribbled a lot this week. I wrote in longhand in my notebook — plans, dreams, realizations — I tend to write to myself all day long so I keep it at hand on my desk. Thoughts float in and need somewhere to go. Ideas and visions do too. I’ve been planting lots of seeds in there.
I will destroy these notebooks before I die if I am so lucky to be able to plan for the occasion. If not, oh well. If anyone is upset about what’s in them they should’ve acted better.
Something wonderful I noticed
I knew the power of ritual already, but this month brings a more profound awareness of how my practices not only provide structure and a shape for my days (and therefore my life), but they really do provide sanctuary. The world is utter chaos, isn’t it? Certainly feels that way sometimes — everything is in precarious balance and we all feel the anxiety. Whether it’s getting to work ten minutes early so I have time to meditate and journal so my mind is clear for the day, my yoga practice, manifesting through gratitude and by paying attention to the natural world, all of it is a gift to myself. Any moment spent looking inward is a moment I’m not trying to control anything outside of myself and am instead experiencing an exchange with the divine spirit that lives in me. When I take those opportunities, my world spins in the desired direction because I hear my truth in my heart and honor it by making decisions that support the life I want to have.
I’ve lived in fear of life for most of my life. I didn’t think I could handle it. I didn’t trust myself and ran from standing in my own strength and have depended on others to distract me from my terror. Something about my fifties won’t allow that anymore. So I’m leaning on those rituals to keep myself grounded and safe within my own body. Light a candle, light incense, burn sage, sit in a quiet spot and breathe, butterfly hugs, wind chimes, tea, listen to the whispers.
What brought me joy
Right now, hearing church bells in the distance while I look out the back door at the periwinkle sky and the leaves on the peach tree. John Henry is still asleep. I’m on my second cup of coffee. Winnie sleeps on the bench beside me and Willie’s toenails click on the hardwood floor with every tiny step he makes as he does his circles.
I have known no deeper joy than that which my home and family brings me.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you put in me. Thank you for the blessing of this experience. Please give me the strength to turn all things over to you and the faith to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me, and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration each day. With deep gratitude I pray.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I walk through the world with an open heart and without judgment.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with kindness and acceptance.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life and not take inconveniences personally.
May I think before I speak.
May I think MORE than I speak.
May I be grateful.
May I allow myself to trust.
May I have CLARITY.
May I be patient.
May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.
May I remember it isn’t about me.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at a time.
Something I’m thinking about
How to notice those who care more about what the world thinks of them than what those close to them think of them. And how to never allow them to get past a certain closeness. It’s getting harder and harder to bear inauthenticity in anyone and mostly in myself.
I was raised to lie about my family and what went on behind closed doors. I’m now a perfect candidate for covering up the undesirable aspects of life because that was the most important thing in my household — maintaining the image. We were different in public than we were at home. At home, I didn’t see my father consistently. He holed up in his workshop, or read in his bedroom, or spent time out in the woods. He was a brooder, so we all walked on eggshells when he would emerge never knowing if being present was a good thing or a bad one so — constant anxiety. Add to that the likelihood that his presence would light the combustible air on fire and no one knew if they were coming or going. I didn’t know I’ve been looking to recreate that precariousness in my adult life so I could feel comfortable. Something or someone to worry about, something or someone to keep me on edge, something or someone to keep my mind off myself and what I want and need, something or someone(s) to try to please.
Beware anyone who wants to squash your voice when it speaks truth, regardless of what that truth is.
Tomorrow marks thirty-eight years without my parents on the earth. And I’m still digging through the tangles. I miss them so much. I’ve spent all that time beating myself up for not being perfect. I thought I had to be to make up for it all, so that I would still be acceptable despite what happened to my family. I somehow got the message that I had to do that. I’m erasing it now.
And if I do get out of this world without fully fleshing out my theory about show business being the perfect environment for a child from a dysfunctional family, I hope someone will eventually do that work.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
Lighting my incense and candles. Writing what comes to my mind in longhand. Butterfly hugs. Slowing down. Slowing down some more. Breathing. Imagining a golden thread pulling the top of my head up to the heavens. Laughing about things I would’ve cried about six months ago. Smiling. Seeking contentment.
Best Word or Term
Petit mains: French for “little hands,” refers to skilled craftspeople who execute haute couture designs.
There’s an excellent New York Times piece called The Hands That Sew the Sequins (Elizabeth Hayt) from Jan 19, 2006 if you have a subscription.
Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That we all have a glorious and fulfilling week.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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Each year you're stronger, wiser and more enlightened as you take on August.
I never forget all the dates...
Sending love. JB
You will face tomorrow with grace, strength, and enlightenment. You’ve already harnessed most of the techniques in the Lion’s Gate Portal so your toolkit is abundant. Keep doing what you’re doing and reaching the second mountain may seem a little less daunting.