My Sunday List
September 29, 2024
Words
Think patient.
Don’t rush.
Understand your work.
—an elderly craftsman I saw on YouTube once. I didn’t write down his name but I wrote down what he said, pinned it to my notes, and refer to it often.
Music
My sister’s show at The Ryman last Thursday was a joyous event. She was incredible, the band was outstanding, and we had a blast. Here’s a video my friend Erin took.
I watched
I started another series on AppleTV called La Maision. The first episode was interesting but the second one wasn’t as good. I’ll probably stick with it for the time being — the scenery and the clothes make it worth it. Plus, if you watch it in french and get subtitles you can learn as you go. However — a troubled fashion family. Groundbreaking.
Book
My nightstand is a mess. This might not make sense to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but I’m sometimes a bit compulsive about collecting information. Living in fear does that to a person — having no safety net in life made me perpetually on high alert, overcautious, suspicious, judgmental, and on guard about everything. It made me live outside my body — fear exists for a reason, to tell us when we’re in danger, and I had to start figuring out how to ignore my fear before I could even read. A defense mechanism serves to allow us to be around people and situations that aren’t safe. Boundaries are a better idea. But when you have little emotional health and no one to show you the way to it, you don’t understand the natural flow of life. You don’t understand that you will read all the things you’re supposed to read and everything will show up when it’s supposed to if you do right, keep humble, and learn to give yourself what you want so much from others — love and acceptance.
That’s all to say I let books pile up because there’s so much I want to get to right now that I sometimes get to not much at all. Distraction is an issue for me. I’ve approached life with a mentality of lack for far too long and grasped for things outside of myself to smooth that jaggedness. Maybe we’re given the message that reading is a virtuous activity so we can’t accept the cognitive dissonance that comes along with the suggestion that books are a great place to hide and avoid our feelings too. And I’m guilty as charged.
I ran across this early this morning as I was looking through some notes in my phone. It’s my final Sunday Selfie Series entry from November 2021. I thought I’d repost it here — I was comforted that I haven’t changed that much since then, but then again, I’ve completely changed.
Favorite moments
Am I really allowed to have this much fun?
This incredible band: (from left) Kenny Greenberg, Chris McCugh, Juan Solorzano, Jen Gunderman. That’s Shelly Fairchild and Waylon Payne on vocals with me. You can’t see the three string players: Andrea Zonn, Kris Wilkinson, and Rachel. (Video by B. Awitan).
What I’m wearing
It’s about time to do some summer to fall clothes switching. That means editing too. I’ve got a cardboard box ready to go for all the things I’m ready to let go of. Streamlining is powerful. And updating basics is the ultimate go-back-to-school move.
The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
Poem
Once you go, you can never come back.
If you returned to Earth,
the gravity would turn your bones
to noodles. I mean your skeleton
would sort of melt. So if you go,
you have to stay gone.
(Maggie Smith)
I’m grateful for
music
rain, and no damage from Helene which was a real possibility. However, I am thinking of those east of us who are devasted by flooding.
a calm Sunday, and a developing ability to really enjoy such a thing.
What I made
A joyful noise. Drawings here and there. Conversation.
Here’s a Sam Callaway gallery.
What brought me joy
Rain + quiet days at my desk spent reading and researching + good company + solitude + good canvas totes with flat bottoms for hauling books + people with serenity and emotional intelligence + fresh white shirts.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you put in me. Thank you for the blessing of this experience. Please give me the strength to turn all things over to you and the faith to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me, and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration each day. With deep gratitude I pray that your will, and not mine, shall be done.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I walk through the world with an open heart and without judgment.
May I be curious and ask questions before I decide.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I be humble.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with kindness and acceptance.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life and not take inconveniences personally.
May I think before I speak.
May I think MORE than I speak.
May I first do no harm.
May I be grateful for what I have and may I not seek more for my selfish gain.
May I allow myself to trust.
May I have CLARITY and find a way to be CALM about it.
May I be patient.
May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.
May I remember it isn’t about me.
May I do good work.
May I have optimism and positive thoughts.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at a time.
Something I’m thinking about
How new neural pathways can be made in the brain. Think about the saying “set your mind to it.” Or “I set my mind to it.” You have to get the mind right. No amount of quick fixes or new notebooks or bullet journals will do it. Only consistent re-routing of the thoughts will. It hurts like hell. But seeing a tiny bit of progress is enough to keep recommitting to personal growth everyday. I want to wake up with intention, positivity, and excitement. For a while there I wasn’t doing that. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for several years, if not decades, if not all my life. I wasn’t a squeaky wheel, so I pressed on pretty much unnoticed. Until I noticed. I got some help through medication, talk therapy, and EMDR and am finally noticing a difference. I’m intensely grateful to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Favorite photo of the week
Habit
Making better habits.
Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That we all have a glorious and fulfilling week.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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I started EMDR last Tuesday. I'm not afraid at night anymore after just one session. I didn't expect those kind of results.
I have definitely talked myself into believing it's okay not to do housework because reading is a high-value activity.