My Sunday List
November 10, 2024 | Rainy Sunday evening edition
Words
We move toward understimulation, if we are on the schedule of soul. Life has stimulated us enough, and now we have to process it and integrate it, however unconsciously. Silence and poetry start being our more natural voice and our more beautiful ear at this stage. Much of life starts becoming highly symbolic and “connecting,” and little things become significant metaphors for everything else. Silence is the only language spacious enough to include everything and to keep us from slipping back into dualistic judgments and divisive words.
—Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the To Halves of Life
Music
Last evening, my sister and I went to the Billy Reid store and sang some tunes in support of my dear friend Shelly Colvin’s foundation, Out of the Woods. Some of you may remember that Shelly’s husband, Jeff, and her son, Judge, were severely hurt in a freak accident in May 2020 — a tree fell on them when a tornado hit Nashville. Both needed extensive rehab, and the family had to move to Atlanta for Judge to receive the care he needed as there isn’t a pediatric brain and spinal cord injury inpatient rehabilitation facility in Tennessee.
There’s nothing like a mama’s devotion when it comes to doing good in the world. Shelly is tirelessly working to raise money for the rehab facility envisioned. The Colvins are some of my favorite folks, and Shelby and I were so happy to help. The very cool Devon Gilfillian was there with us and we were knocked out by his tunes and presence. Shelly told me today that we made an impact so that’s always a good feeling. Here’s that LINK again.
I watched
I finished Disclaimer. This series is so well done. It’s beautiful, brilliantly shot, well cast. The only character I ended up liking is the son. But the message was clear — perspective is everything. Do we ever know the truth about anything but ourselves, and do we even know that? It doesn’t seem that we do. Or at least we’re good at denying the parts of us we feel are unlovable. We get shown them, though. Eventually. Everyday requires us to push the rock of morality up the hill of self-destruction. If we let it slip, it will eventually knock us down to the rocky bottom. Integrity lives best in a well-worn groove of self-respect, transparency, and dignity.
Book
Same scattered stacks.
Favorite moments
Making tomato soup and grilled cheeses on a rainy Sunday for some of my favorite people.
Spending some time shifting my space — every little tweak is meaningful. I think when we go through big changes, it can feel like a bomb has gone off in the middle of life and it can take a while to sort through the pieces. I’m doing that now and enjoying putting it back together in a new way.
I pushed my alarm back to give myself another fifteen or so minutes in the mornings. I like sipping my first cup of coffee in the dark and letting my mind wake up slowly. I like putting pen to paper at that time too. It’s the best time for me to do shadow work — I’m a morning person and have the most mental energy then so it’s a great time for prayer and meditation. Or sometimes just to appreciate the faith that is borne from another morning’s arrival.
What I’m wearing
My bravest face. It’s required right now. I have removed my heart from my sleeve as well. It’s too risky to have that hanging out for anyone to see.
I wore some really good outfits this week, but I took no selfies. I was preoccupied, as was the rest of the world.
As I sat with a group of friends Wednesday night trying to process the news we woke up to that morning, I said one thing that stuck: I have no further questions.
The way you do anything is the way you do everything.
Poem
We would rather be ruined than changed. We would rather die in our dread than climb the cross of the present and let our illusions die. –WH Auden
I’m grateful for
rain
friendship and kindness
authenticity
trust
purpose and intention
my ability to find joy
my animals
my family, blood and chosen, old and new.
faith
books
teachers
being shown where I need to grow
the beautiful imaginations of people
community
What I made
So much progress. Six months ago, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get through a day without crying. I didn’t for a long time. I really grieved this loss and I still am, but I think what’s different about this heartbreak is that I couldn’t run from it. I knew I had to feel it to get through it and over it, and that process is something I’ve never allowed myself with any loss I’ve suffered. I’ve done everything I can to not feel pain. I’ve pushed through and put it aside. But there was nowhere to push but inward this time, and that was the right direction. I might in some ways always grieve the marriage I hoped I could count on, but I’m better, feeling alive, and excited about my life again. It feels good. It feels clear. And it feels like mine.
Favorite photo of the week:
What brought me joy
The first holiday open house at Reed-Smythe + having a job that allows me time and space to think a thing all the way through + singing + challenging myself to think in a broadening way but reduce my need for physical space — ie. figure out how to live the life I want with fewer things and fewer wants + chasing beauty in all the ways.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for the life you give me every day. Thank you for the blessing of my son, my sister, my family both biological and chosen. Thank you for the blessing of this experience, even when it seems like the hard times are too hard and too many. I know I must walk through periods of difficulty in order to learn what I need to learn until I transmute the lessons and see that every encounter with my woundedness is an opportunity to address it, not to try to numb the pain. Remind me to turn to you with every breath. Please strengthen my faith so I might turn all things over to you and the wisdom to know you will work miracles in me through whatever you place in my blessed path. Remind me my choices determine my experiences and my lessons can come through positive ones rather than the opposite. Allow me to gracefully release what is not meant for me and to hold tightly and lovingly to what is. Allow me to be open to change every day as you remind me it is the only constant besides you. Allow me to repair what is broken. Allow me awareness of my dissociative tendencies and keep me present so I may make choices that reflect the life I desire. Allow me clarity, focus, and courage. Allow me to rise to my highest vibration each day and spread truth and beauty wherever I go. May I learn how to truly forgive. With deep gratitude I pray that your will, and not mine, shall be done.
Intention for the week to come
May I be present and fully inhabit my mind, spirit, and physical body.
May I walk through the world with an open heart and without judgment.
May I be curious and ask questions before I decide.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I be humble and see myself clearly so I may accept my limitations while working to lovingly decrease them. May my progress be reflected through my actions, seen and unseen.
May I have the self-possession and grace to meet others with the kindness and acceptance I desire for myself.
May I find the flexibility in myself to gracefully accept the imperfections of life and not take inconveniences personally.
May I think before I speak.
May I think MORE than I speak.
May I first do no harm.
May I be grateful for what I have and may I not seek more for my selfish gain.
May I allow myself to trust but may I also always use my discernment.
May I have CLARITY and find a way to be CALM about it.
May I be patient.
May my vibration resonate in harmony with the universe.
May I remember it isn’t about me.
May I do good work.
May I have optimism and positive thoughts.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at a time.
Something I’m thinking about
Healing. What a profound process it is. When I read those words at the top of this page, it describes to me a healed person. When something brings us to our knees and threatens to break us, the pain is so great we can’t imagine it will ever end. We’re torn down to sinew and bone and tears and sweat and fear and rabid desire for it to stop its wasting of us, but no amount of fighting it will scare away the specter of the juicy flesh that once protected us from reality. We remember the pillowy past and all its delicious distractions. It was a perfect place to avoid ourselves. But when it’s healing time, we’re suddenly fresh out of defenses. There’s no way to reach that protection, and the present is a stainless steel cheese grater. It’s meant to shave off our layers and reveal what we’re made of. And we have to jump into the ocean of tears while we’re bleeding. It’s awful. But it’s cleansing. And when we emerge, we have something worth more than any propped up layers of softness — we have the reality of ourselves, our broken open truths, the shining faces of souls who’ve wrestled their shadows to the ground and finally surrendered to all that is natural and magical about being human.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
Praying and writing in the mornings while I have my first cup of coffee.
My bad habit is letting my issues of The New Yorker pile up
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Wishes
That we all are and will be well.
That we all are loved.
That we all put our pasts behind us every minute.
That we all have a glorious and fulfilling week.
That everyone who reads this will feel peace in at least some small way.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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Thank you for all you share. I found this calming to read tonight. You are brave and I wish you everything good.
Allison, when I see your Sunday List in my email, I wait to read it, building up a special energy, almost sacred, before I read it. Thank you. You never disappoint in what you share. I love the prayer. I have such deep pain that has no words to express it and that is a healing prayer. Thank you, again. And I'm feeling that you could make art out of every single "Intention for the week to come" quote/prayer/affirmation. Love them. May your week be filled with growth in the highest places.