My Sunday List
April 7, 2024
Words
Our ego was very helpful in survival settings, as we wanted to protect ourselves and those close to us. But once we pass that stage, the ego can be a great hindrance. The ego gives us a rigid sense of self and wants others to perceive us a certain way. The ego struggles to appreciate differences in opinions and views. One common cause of inner conflict is when someone close to us is making choices that we would not make ourselves. Our initial impulse is to want them to think and act like us. —Yung Pueblo
I reference the Yung Pueblo writings a lot. It rings so true with me and tends to hang around and resonate. It also seems to be quite often relevant to what’s going on in my world. This subject — the ego — is so complicated yet so simple at the same time. We have to drill so far down within ourselves to find what is our essence — our authentic selves — and we pull back layer after layer and still catch Ms. Ego running the show more often than not. I imagine pulling back blankets on a bed to find a tiny pea of truth underneath years and years of piled on protection — asking with each cover turned, Am I there yet? Have I found the center or am I still making everything about me? I am? Okay. I’ll keep digging. One of my favorite things about getting older is losing the need to be seen in the most flattering light possible. Not that others’ possible nice opinion of me doesn’t feel good, but expecting everyone to like you isn’t sane. I mean, do I like everyone I meet? I wish I could say yes, but the answer is no. When I can humbly accept myself with all my scars and flaws and stars, I don’t need to prove I’m anything to anyone else. My opinion of myself has finally become the one I care most about — I know what my standards are and whether I’m meeting them or not. Other people’s standards are their own. That feels like freedom to me.
Song
I love the new Beyoncé record. It’s fantastic. I don’t care about genres and never have, and I doubt Mrs. Carter does either. What she’s doing is so much bigger than that. She is reclaiming musical territory. Beyoncé is uncovering history.
And she looks incredible while she’s doing it and the message runs deep. Cowboys weren’t all white men — they were African, Mexican, Native American, and Spanish. The imaging that Beyoncé is pairing with her new music is more about that than Nashville’s version of Cowboy style, I think, as is Pharrell Williams’ inspiration for the Louis Vuitton Fall/Winter 2024 collection. It’s not that I think Nashville doesn’t register on a global level — I think it does in some ways — but our claim on the cowboy look was always a cultural appropriation. Nashville is not Spain, nor even the west, yet we claim cowboy boots and hats and western garb as our own. The sparkly costumes came from the Hollywood singing cowboys from the 30s and 40s. The “western” in country came along in the 1950s and was mostly imported from the California music scene. Jimmie Rodgers, for instance, who is considered the father of country music, didn’t wear cowboy clothes to my knowledge. He was more of a Mississippi dandy. The Charros — mexican gentleman ranchers — and Vaqueros — cattle drivers — brought conchos, embroidery, tooled leather, and high-heeled riding boots to the United States. The fringed leathers came from the Native Americans and then the frontiersmen. Those huge trophy buckles are from rodeo style, first seen in Montana in the 1920s. I could go on.
My point is, no one has a claim on any of it, and the idea that Black people should be shut out of anything — particularly music of any kind — is beyond preposterous and always has been. I’m glad this tide is turning.
I watched
Waves on the ocean. I went along with Hayes on a music cruise called The Last Resort with Midland and a lot of other cool artists. I didn’t play — I sang one song with Hayes and that was it. It was nice to relax.
Book
Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. I loved this book from the first sentence to the last. So much so that I’m starting Commonwealth today — another Patchett novel that I’ve had in the stack for a few years. She is a treasure of a writer.
Favorite moments
John Henry came home on Friday, which was his 14th birthday. It’s fun sometimes to remember where we started and how far we’ve come.
Watching John Henry skip across the great lawn of Centennial Park on a beautiful Saturday.
Waking up and seeing water out the window.
Being with friends, old and new.
Arriving home. There is no better place.
What I’m wearing
Did y’all know I can pack for a week and sometimes more in a carryon? I once managed two weeks in Europe with a carryon suitcase and an LLBean tote bag and didn’t repeat an outfit. I have grown to loathe overpacking. Making sure I don’t is a process and usually involves at least two edits from the original pile of things I think I want to take when I’m going somewhere. But I always try to think of Coco: elegance is refusal. And elegance is definitely refusal to try to wrangle a too big and too heavy bag full of too much stuff. Less is usually more. I think it’s important to note that an abundance of choices often leads to no choice at all.
What I’m cooking
The only thing I cooked this week was my trusty Mexican chicken stew, the quick and dirty version, in which I use an already cooked rotisserie chicken and two cans of white beans. The luxury version calls for soaked dry beans and home-cooked chicken, but I didn’t have time for luxury. It was still really good and hearty on a cold Friday night.
Favorite Photo I Took This Week
I’m grateful for
My wonderful family, my incredible friends, my continued ability to be surprised and delighted by life.
What I made
I started this:
Something wonderful I noticed
Most people are good people.
What brought me joy
Lilacs. Apples. My son. Music. Reading. Skincare.
Prayer
Thank you, Great Spirit, for giving me the strength to let go of everything I cannot control, which is everything outside of myself. Allow me to let go of shenpa and exchange it for shunyata. Only through you can I do that and know peace.
(shenpa - what hooks us. shunyata - being empty of what hooks us, no ego, no separate idea of self)
Intention for the week to come
May I be present before I am concerned with being anything else.
May I breathe peace in, and breathe love out.
May I meet others with kindness and acceptance and still keep my boundaries.
May I feel confident enough in those boundaries to be flexible in my actions.
May I use my words for good.
May I be grateful.
May I trust.
May I have CLARITY.
May I be patient.
May I be open to what the Great Spirit knows is for me, and may I walk my path accordingly by remembering I can only take it one step at the time.
Something I’m thinking about
At this moment, dancing. And why I don’t do more of it. Hayes and I always talk about taking lessons. We did take two-step lessons at The Broken Spoke once — I had a hard time not leading. I’m sure you’re surprised.
I’m boogy-ing in my chair right now though, to Cowboy Carter.
Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. — Buddha
Habit
Running short on time.
Best Word or Term
Chatter Marks: indents in wood left by errant hammer strokes.
The doorframe had a few chatter marks, but otherwise was expertly constructed.
Wishes
That I recognize every opportunity to feel joy, and that I take each one.
That my fellow creatures do that too.
That you all are content and well.
That you will forward this to one person you think might like it.
Have a wonderful, peaceful, joyous week. And thank you for supporting my work here at The Autotelic.
Peace. Love.
Allison
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“Have I found the center or am I still making everything about me? I am?”
This is life’s work, I think. To de-center ourselves in the grand scheme of things, while also carving out a life for ourselves aligned with who we most want to be. How can we not all still be learning this minute by minute.
The packing is impressive. I’d love a rundown of how you accomplish it step-by-step.
Finished BLOOD. Took it slow. Mid afternoon lay downs w/ the dog. For me only, I've come to believe every error my parents made coinsided w the exact thing I needed to learn. Gods sculpting dynamic of growth w/ a sharp chisel. Your story was more deeply dramatic. Your writing was amazing, risky and very very soulful. What a Gem.