Invitations

Invitations are extended all the time. It is up to us whether we accept them or not. For me, that’s one of the most important parts of spiritual work to remember. I have felt, many times throughout my life, a knock at my door and a voice that whispered, it’s time for you to get a handle on this. But I either told whatever was knocking to go away, to wait, or if I managed to let it in, how things were going to go. More simply put, nothing worked for me until I tried putting my ego aside and was willing to just shut up and follow the directions. Nothing had a prayer of working until I was ready for it to work, and wanted it to more than anything else. People usually only change when they cannot live with their own bullshit even one more day.

I’ve known a lot of recovery language for a long time. I’ve been surrounded by addicts since I got here in 1972. Some of those addicts have worked 12-step programs and those philosophies can’t help but influence the air that they breathe. I picked things up through osmosis, but resisted it all as something I didn’t need. I had control. I didn’t know control was an addiction too.

This isn’t about 12-step programs.

I found ACA, and it’s important to me, but the point is, we reach toward anything and everything that might give us a framework to understand ourselves when the time comes that we really want to do that. The tools we gather to help us travel the path of discovery and healing are as personal as our struggles to learn how to use them. I only know one thing about what works and what doesn’t, and these words floated into my ears this morning from a fellow traveler: You can’t hate yourself into healing.

It is an act of bravery to find a way to love yourself.

It is an act of bravery to give yourself time and space to take stock of things. And though it should start there, with learning to love yourself — because after all, others can leave you but you can’t — it is an act of kindness to the others in your life to do the work you need to do as well.

A few things that get me through my days:

I’m an early riser. I like to get up first thing, usually before light, and spend time with my readings, my prayers, my writings, my incense, my altar. Sometimes a meeting. I call it getting myself together. Willie always gets up with me. I give him some breakfast treats and he snuggles in beside me while I study. I keep a notebook in which I write my spiritual thoughts, questions, and directions. I suppose it’s my way of keeping a journal.

I practice yoga. For someone who is prone to dissociation, finding ways to stay in my body keep me grounded and feeling safe. I find valuable information about myself on the mat — treating my physical alignment and breath as a metaphor for the rest of my being provides a lot of aha moments.

I spend time alone. It isn’t always easy to do. I am blessed to have a family and a lot of friends whom I adore and like to be with. But I know if I don’t keep a few boundaries and give myself the time I need from me, I end up jittery, disconnected, and resentful. I took one of those Briggs-Meyers personality tests and I don’t remember my type, but I do remember the extroverted introvert part. I can be happy spending time in many different ways and with many different people, but I am aware of the fact that I thrive in solitude. The extra is always a bit of a stretch for me. I do love to host a gathering though, so put contradiction in there somewhere too. Or maybe it’s that I was born on the cusp of gemini and cancer. Whatever the case, I know I need to keep acquainted with myself, and that requires spending time with myself.

I share my experience. In this age, everyone has something to talk about and advice to give. I know very little about anything, but I do know that talking about our struggles only helps to normalize that all of us carry baggage, trauma, fear, insecurity, anxiety. It’s only through attaining self-knowledge that we can begin to know when our trauma is running the show, and when we’re meeting someone else’s. If someone asks me what I’m doing these days, I say very straightforwardly that I’m concentrating on healing. If they ask how, I tell them how I’ve thrown everything but the kitchen sink at learning how to be healthy.

I create. I just started the new Rick Rubin book and I agree — creativity is a state. Art is in everything — the way you dress, the way your table is arranged, the way you speak. It’s in every choice. It’s a way of looking at the world. I said the other day to a friend that I think art is about understanding. I know that I am never closer to myself than when I am in the act of creating. We are all filters for inspiration, which is hanging from every drop in the universe.

Lots of love to everyone on this fine day.

AM

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