And just like that
2023 is done.
Hi Friends.
I am so grateful to have had a short break at the end of this year. After the endurance test that was 2022, I expected a smoother 2023 — alas, it was quite the triathlon. But I’m still here, and I’m better than I’ve been in a while, maybe better than I’ve ever been. It feels off to think and say that, for I am ending this beautiful year feeling like a lot of big waves took me down and left me gasping for air, but instead of feeling swept away and wanting, I feel polished, mercifully stripped of artifice and defense mechanism and like I am finally able to stand in the power of my own power, with the resolution to live with clarity, authenticity, and integrity.
My favorite thing about 2023:
My personal growth. I am not who I was a year ago. This was a year of healing, of taking to the mat many constructs that were stuck in my mind, body, and spirit and working with them through a loving, soft, warm, and slow embrace of my spirit and all that it is instead of through the hot, slick, glaze of lack, anger, and bitterness that made the slide into self-loathing such a smooth and quick trip. I did a lot of talk therapy, then I decreased that by half to accommodate EMDR, which has changed everything for me. I’m starting to actually dig down far enough to find the sources of trauma and terror that have been stuck in my body since I was a toddler. It’s fascinating and exciting and ultimately freeing — to feel real agency over myself and what happens to me is a brand new thing. To rework my identity to make room for the notion that I can have boundaries with myself and others feels damn near psychedelic. I also accepted medical help and started figuring out my brain chemistry and how to get it back to baseline health. What a gift.
Stillness feels like moving. In the best way.
What changed me:
John Henry turned 13. That was a big moment and a bit of an exhale. We made it this far!! Again, more gratitude.
Another John Henry moment — during the summer, he and I were hanging out in his bedroom and I was chatting away to him like I do sometimes about how cool he is, how proud of him I am, what an honor it is for me to be his Mama and how glad I am that he chose me to be on his journey with him, how he is the best son in the whole world — and he took my face in his hand and said the sweetest “MaMaMa.” It can be hard to know how he feels sometimes. I was floored by how hard he probably had to work to do that as words do not come easily to him, and by the tenderness between us that I treasure so much.
My husband went on a two-week trip to the Grand Canyon and we were out of contact for the entirety of it. It was hard for me and my abandonment issues, but I grew significantly. Being alone in any sense of the word is something I never have to be afraid of again.
Spraining my medial collateral ligament and being on crutches for a week. That was a crash course in empathy that I needed to take. It was also one in boundaries and self-love. I’ve never handled physical vulnerability well, but the truth is, my body is aging. I’m grateful to be in really good health and I’m very active and plan on staying on that course, but it is with a renewed sense of respect and awe for my earthly carriage with which I enter the 2nd half of my 52nd year.
It all adds up to more self-respect and honor for myself and who I am on this earth and in this universe. I feel like a grown up. Wow! I am in much better control of myself in all departments, which just makes life more pleasant in every way.
What I enjoyed:
Making art. Falling in love with painting. Letting my spirit guide me to what I wanted to do next. I didn’t complete any projects, write any books, or do anything that deserves some sort of fancy dismount and ta-da, but I made a lot of music (that you’ll hear more of in the coming year) and made a lot of marks with words and pigment. Some years you find, some years you show. This was a year of finding and working at new methods of expression.
Being John Henry’s Mama. Don’t we learn more from our children than we can ever teach them? He is growing so fast (Willie and I are now the smallest creatures in the house) in all the ways. It’s hard for me to believe that I’ll be the parent of an adult in 4 1/2 more years, but I will. I pray and hope for the most resilience, strength, kindness, and care to encircle us for all of the days we have left to live together.
Learning how to both take better care of my relationships and recognize when one needs a radical shift in one direction or another. Growing isn’t easy, especially within relationship, but it’s always worth it. I still don’t embody the graceful, all-loving, patient, and understanding being that I’d like to be, but there’s always next year, right?
Being a friend. Being a sister. Being a wife and partner to my husband.
Being at home. Gardening, cooking, and slowing down when I could.
Favorite travel:
Sometimes it’s hard to remember where I’ve been at the end of a year. But some highlights were — driving up the west coast with H. during the tour he did with Patty Griffin, the Omni Grove Park in Asheville, NC for John Henry’s spring break with friends, the Roaring Fork Valley for summer adventure camp, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico for a glorious week of art and adventure. But my favorite travel was in the quiet mornings at home when I’d wake very early, step happily out of bed, make my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, and then sink into thought, prayer, or making something before the sun came up. I love being with others and being out in the world learning what it can teach me, but my solitude has become a revered space that I have learned to protect. For a person who was told from an early age that her worth came from looking after others, from performing, from being something for others to pick apart at their leisure, it’s been a challenge for me to say no when I need to. Now I know that it is indeed a complete sentence.
What I didn’t like:
The news. The wars. The endless brutality that human beings heap on each other. The inability to communicate successfully and the fallout that inevitably comes from it. The sharpness of air travel. The cheapness of things and the dishonesty about the cheapness of things. Callous, reckless, and selfish dishonesty. The rate at which Narcissistic Personality Disorder seems to be growing. People wearing leggings and acting like they’re pants. Overwrought food and overeager servers. Apathy.
What I hope to improve in 2024:
My ability to listen and stay quiet until I need to make a sound.
My level of patience.
My flexibility — of mind, body, and spirit.
My diet.
My artistry.
My skills of relating.
My consideration of myself.
Being here with y’all has been wonderful. Thank you for your support of this community, my meandering endeavors, and simply, of me. I’m so grateful for y’all. I hope to have more features up and running soon from the Sunday Selfie Series podcast to merging the old website blogs so they’ll live here. AND! Doing a series of paintings to recreate all of those oil pastel crest drawings I did to accompany the writings. A Saint Seven album. And that nagging novel. Yep. It’s still knocking on my door. I guess the best thing 2023 taught me was to keep the faith, live up to your own standards, and allow things to unfold as they will. My favorite prayer is always:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
Peace. Love. Onward.
Allison
Ms. Allison. The pictures that I've seen of JH would lead me to believe that he may grow to be a Center for The Memphis Grizzleys. Whoa there big fella. And the closest that I've seen of his face leads me to believe that he's a handsome fella. How could he not be? Your dad was a really handsome guy, his good looks got passed down to you and now it's JH's turn to charm folks. It is good to hear from you. You were missed. You sound wonderful and on a good path. I/we love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck❤️
You’ve accomplished more in one year than most people do in ten years. I’m constantly inspired by your perseverance, insight, and openness to unlimited growth potential. Thanks for being so generous and consistent with your Substack content, as well as the sincere appreciation of your followers. All the best to you and yours as we navigate 2024!